


After Doki Doki

by Sayoribestdoki



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Depression, Emotional, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Psychological, Suspense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-12 07:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13542654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sayoribestdoki/pseuds/Sayoribestdoki
Summary: In a once-in-a-lifetime chance, out of love, Monika releases the MC from her grasp and vanishes after resetting all of the characters. Now, with the knowledge gained from the original game, can the MC do what needs to be done to help the three girls? Can he even conquer his own demons? Rated T-note that it has gruesome or suggestive imagery -SPOILERS IN THIS FANFIC-





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Prologue : A Nightmare?
> 
> I do not own these characters.
> 
> The following fanfic contains sensitive and or graphic content. Like the original DDLC, if you suffer from anxiety or depression, this fanfic is likely not for you. Sorry.

"Does my pen only write bitter words for those who are dear to me?

Is it love if I take you, or is it love if I set you free?

The ink flows down into a dark puddle

How can I write love into reality?

If I can't hear the sound of your heartbeat

What do you call love in your reality?

And in your reality, if I don't know how to love you

I'll leave you be"

* * *

The first thing I sense is the idle sound of a whirling fan.

Next, the sensation of laying down.

My eyes open toward the grey popcorn ceiling.

I yawn and look around.

Something is not right about my room.

My area where I write poetry is not cleared. The room is littered with papers from last year's classes.

My head catches up with me, and thoughts and images rush in like a tidal wave. Chills go down my spine.

Did I... was it a nightmare? Is it real? I run to my window and look outside.

My window faces Sayori's apartment. Her shutters are still closed, and her lights out.

Throwing my clothes on the fastest I ever had, I run downstairs and outside the building, over to Sayori's.

It's freezing cold outside, but I don't care.

But I stop at the door.

Is it really okay for me to barge in on her like this? What if she's just peacefully sleeping and  _I'm_ the jerk because I worried too much?

In my mind's eye, distraught and hopeless resolutions well up and fill my thoughts before I shove them back down and repress them.

I stand there with my arm out, ready to knock on the door, but I can't bring myself to do it.

If it really was a nightmare, Sayori probably wouldn't be happy that I got her up for no reason over an hour before school starts.

But if it wasn't... I couldn't bear to see Sayori like that anyway...

My swarming thoughts meet a conclusion. I knock on the door.

No response.

I turn the doorknob.

It's locked.

A cold sweat begins on my forehead. No, this can't be.

Is was all a dream, right?

Monika wouldn't... would she?

I cover my face with my arms, and begin banging the top of my head into the side of Sayori's house as hard as I can repeatedly until I can't think about the pain any more.

Suddenly, the door opens. I let out a gasp and look to see Sayori standing in the doorway, with tired eyes and her rose coloured hair badly ruffled, and barely dressed in baggy pyjamas.

MC : "Sayori!"

I embraced her immediately. It was okay. She was okay...

Sayori jumped in surprise.

Sayori : "MC, are you alright? What's going on?"

I knew it was a nightmare. Sayori would never do something like that... She's been happy and cheerful my entire life.

MC : "Sayori... I... Had such a nightmare..."

She probed me for information, what was the dream about?

But I can't bring myself to say it... For whatever reason, I feel that it would do more damage than good to put those kind of thoughts and images into her head...

I let her go. Her expression is one of confusion and concern.

_There she is, clad in her PJs, clawing at her own neck, digging into her skin and flailing her legs and she kicks to try to find footing before all the oxygen leaves her brain and she is left there, a limp and lifeless shell of the greatest happiness, and only light in my life, Sayori._

Sayori : "This isn't like you, MC. Please tell me about what happened."

MC : "I... I..."

There is no way I can lie to Sayori after what happened.

MC : "I... Had a dream where we joined a club together, like you've been talking about. But... But something wasn't right and... really really bad things happened, Sayori. I just.. I had to make sure it wasn't real. I'm sorry."

I want to hug her again. But I can feel her uneasiness as I draw closer, so I stop.

She lets me in.

Sayori : "It's okay, MC. Just sit downstairs for a bit while I go and get dressed and we'll talk about it, okay?"

Huh?

Just the thought of her being alone up in her room makes me feel a little bit...

I swallow and stay silent as she paces up the creaky stairs and shuts her bedroom door.

What follows was a deadly silence. For several minutes, I sat there, alone.

_I could have prevented this. I know I could have prevented this! Turning down her confession... That must have been what drove her over the edge!_

A saran-wrapped tray of four cupcakes sat on her kitchen counter.

Her clock was noisy.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. The time counting down...

_I laid the corpse of my best friend on the ground as I desperately tried to do CPR. I have never done anything with such effort. My breath ran out-I gave it all to Sayori, but she wouldn't wake up. Her lips turn from lukewarm to cold as I try desperately, sobbing as my mind races. The light in her eyes fades away, forever..._

_If I had come to check on her before school, maybe I could have caught her in time._

A door creaks open, and Sayori comes downstairs in her school uniform. She is wearing her blazer unbuttoned, as usual, and a fluffy pink skirt.

But she didn't find me waiting where she left me. Instead, the sound of gagging followed by the wet splash of my stomach emptying out echoed down her halls.

She followed the noise to the bathroom, where I was kneeled over the toilet.

MC : "Sayori... Don't look. I'm so *burp* sorry..." I struggled to speak through nausea and tears.

Sayori shrieked and ran away. She gathered her composure for a moment.

But within a few seconds, she came back in. I was done at that point, just sitting down on the bathroom.

Flashes of hot and cold flow over me. A cold sweat drops from my forehead down to my arm.

What is happening?

MC : "It was so vivid... so real... I swear it was real, Sayori..." I try to continue, but begin sobbing uncontrollably.

I'm huddled on the floor in a ball, and can't see Sayori anymore, but I feel her touch on my shoulder, I feel her bewilderment, her utter confusion about how to handle this situation. Her embrace felt like... a warm blanket. Like coming home to the fireplace after a cold winter night...

Sayori : "It's okay, MC. It was just a dream. Everything is okay."

Sayori tried to comfort me. But her voice of concern felt like a knife cutting into me... I hated to see her like this, not her usual cheery self at all.

The sobbing got worse, until I was convulsing on the floor violently. Each sob, a loud and sharp intake of air, was punctuated between my howling cries of agony.

_It was worthless. She was dead. I tried and tried but she wouldn't get up. The paramedics would be here soon. They would know what to do, right? They could help her. They could bring her back. And we would get her the help she needs. We could fix this. One day, we'll smile about this, and Sayori will thank me for giving her another chance. She'll tell me that she knows what she did wasn't right, it was an act of desperation. That she owes every piece of experience, and every shred of fleeting happiness after that moment... to me. What she doesn't know is that, in saving her, she would save me._

_I close her eyes as and pick up her light, motionless body, and put her on the bed. I am hyperventilating._

_Slowly, pull the covers over her and close her eyes._

_Her appearance, a fallen angel..._

_She's just sleeping. She's just sleeping. She's just sleeping._

* * *

It felt like forever, but once the sobs calmed down, and I was left shivering and twitching on the cold bathroom tile floor, Sayori tightened her embrace on me.

Guilt hit me like a derailed train while Sayori slowly released me. She motioned for me to join her as she headed toward the door.

_If I hadn't burdened her with my own feelings and anxieties..._

_Sayori has enough to worry about. She doesn't need to worry about me._

_Then why? Why was I so selfish?_

_Why did it have to be about me? Just because I felt like I needed to see her because of MY own bad dream..._

_Wait... That's right! It was just a dream. In reality, I haven't been to Sayori's house in a long time! Maybe even years._

_What kind of friend am I? The only time I come over is when I need something from her._

MC : "I'm sorry for all of this, Sayori. I really shouldn't have burdened you like this."

Sayori : "Don't be silly! I know you would do the same thing for me if I had a really bad dream too."

It must have been a figment of my imagination. When she said that, I saw something strange for a moment. A flicker, or something like it. Something... strange and out of place.

Sayori was as cheerful as always. But there was something unsettling about it. I get the feeling that she... isn't saying everything.

I forget about it before too long. There are better things to worry about, anyway.

Sayori beckons towards the cupcake tray.

Sayori : "Here, would you like a cupcake before we head out? I had a friend bake them."

" _It's not like I... Made them for... Y-you or anything! Idiot!"_

MC : "Nats.." I trail off, catching myself.

Sayori looks at me curiously.

Sayori : "Oh, you know her?"

I have to think of something, quick.

MC : "Y-yeah, we met once in the beginning of the year during a... bake-sale. So... She's the only one I know who can make cupcakes like that!"

That was a good save. But what exactly am I saying?

Then it hits me.

_If Natsuki was real..._

We decided to walk to school together like old times, since classes were starting soon and since I paid her a visit already.

All the way, Sayori acts like things are all fine now and I follow the act. Deep down, I feel unsettled by something that doesn't make sense in my mind.

_I never met Natsuki before. Only in my dream last night did I meet her in the Literature Club._

_If Natsuki is real..._

Once again, I got cold chills. I looked toward Sayori.

She was beaming, practically skipping and humming in anticipation for another day at school.

Could it really be that...

Could it really be that it was real, and that Monika gave me a second chance?

" _I'll leave you be..."_

Could it really be that Sayori has been keeping her depression from me her whole life, so that she wouldn't worry me?

Sayori left to go to her classes, but in English I could not stop thinking about what just happened.

My mind was wandering when the lunch bell rang.

In the hectic main hall of the school, students bumped into each other as they filed into the rooms.

I caught a glimpse of something.

A purple haired girl with books tucked under her arm...

She goes down the hall and into a science classroom.

_There is no denying it now, this was no bad dream. Monika was real. Yuri was real. Natsuki was real. The literature club... Was real. And that means..._

_Sayori..._

_Monika gave me one shot before she... for lack of better word, died, or left for good._

_This could be my only chance to make things right!_


	2. A Fresh Start

My head still hurts from banging it the other day.

I don't know if what Monika gave me was a gift, or a final "fuck you".

I don't even know if I have any control of this twisted world.

All I know is that...

I have to try to make the most of my circumstances.

And maybe good fortune will find me.

But there is something daunting about going to school today. Something has been on my mind.

If what I think is true is real, then that means I'm the only one who knows about what might happen in the future. I'm the only one who can do something about it.

The weight of that responsibility begins to weigh down on me like a lead blanket.

I don't know anything about helping people. I don't know anything about psychology.

Just a few days ago, everything was normal and OK. Then, Sayori...

_I told her all the wrong things, didn't I? That's what pushed her over the edge?_

I took a deep breath. My room was quiet as the night. I looked up at my many anime posters.

_How am I supposed to be able to take on this responsibility? What if I mess things up and make things even worse?_

_I wouldn't be able to live. I wouldn't be able to go on if anything happened to Sayori._

My hands clenched into fists.

In a heartbeat, my muscles contract and my fist pounds into the drywall.

Violently, I rip down the posters off my wall, rip them in halves, relentlessly rip them into little shreds.

I grab my drink and throw it across the room and watch as it shatters and the glass flies all over the room.

The loud explosion of glass settles into tinkering clacks and then silence.

The loudest thing in the room is my breathing as I stand, all my muscles tensed, staring at nothing as my heart beats out of my chest.

Standing there for several minutes, I wait for my heartbeat to slow down to start picking up.

I start picking up the glass pieces and tossing them into a trashcan.

I left the poster shreds on the floor for now.

_I need to do something. Anything. And I'm pissed that I'm just sitting in my room right now._

_Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The time counting down._

My eye catches a glimmer, a reflection of light under the tatters of my posters...

It's a five inch long, flat lightning-bolt shaped piece of glass that tapers into a sharp point at the end.

I look at it, intrigued.

I pick it up. I guess I missed this piece.

Before I toss it in the trash can, I catch my own reflection in the glass.

My hair is tattered. My clothes are trashy and dirty. I look like I saw a ghost, probably because I have. Multiple ghosts.

My skin is pale and my eyes watery. I place the glass on my desk next to my workspace.

I take a deep breath.

I can help them. I can do this. I can do this.

" _Oh MC, you're so funny!_

_Did you ever consider that maybe she's just like that when you're around?"_

I think I know where to start. Today, when I go to school, I'll get some help.

" _By the way, MC..._

_Have you decided on a club to join yet?"_

I'll talk to the counselor. Surely, they know what to do.

" _It... hurts..._

_DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?_

_DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?"_

Maybe I can rent a book about depression in the library. Surely there is something that can help me.

" _The world is better off without spider lovers."_

My wandering eyes catch a glimpse of themselves in the glass shard on my desk.

" _She is really excitable. You should know that when she gets too excited, she goes into a corner..."_

Curiosity... Gets the best of me, sometimes.

" _Isn't that kinda messed up?"_

I hold the impromptu knife in my hands again, turning it around and admiring the pristine reflection.

Yuri was right, there is something beautiful about it, isn't there?

And there is something to... it... isn't there?

I mean, why would she do it if not?

I unroll my left sleeve.

Ever since I was a kid, I had three freckles on my arm that make a right triangle if you were to connect them.

_There is no way to know what you're experiencing is real or not._

_This reality... Is just as real as the last... and the next._

Would I even feel it?

Would I even feel anything?

If this wasn't real, or if it was, I was about to find out.

* * *

Sayori dressed herself up in some casual clothes and stepped out her house at 5 AM, before the sun was fully up and before I was awake. She snuck away and began walking down the streets to the waterfront.

She sat on the edge of a unpopulated dock in contemplation.

The glory of the sunrise hit her as sunbeams hit her cheek and warmed the icy air.

On her face, a determined and thoughtful expression.

She skipped a stone, 1-2-3-4-5, down and away toward the endless ocean.

Sometimes, Sayori thought to herself, she wished she could just be swallowed up by the eternity of it all.

No one would ever find me in there, she thought. There's too much to search. It would just be me and the ocean.

It would swallow me up and keep me there. I would become part of the eternity.

I would never want to leave such a comforting embrace as the ocean.

For it has no preference, no judgment, no right or wrong, no anger or resentment.

It would take my sorrows, my angers, my joy, and wash them away.

And only when I am empty am I finally at standstill and balanced.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts

In tatters and shards upon the ocean floor.

She wouldn't be making it to school on time that day.

Some days, it was just too difficult to pretend.

* * *

At first, it felt like a light stinging sensation as I dragged the glass across my arm.

Blood followed wherever the glass tread.

My skin did put up some resistance, though, to that jagged and rough blade, and it tugged and ripped instead of slicing right...

_I see why Yuri has such sharp knives._

I trace my freckles.

By the time I'm finished with my art piece, the crimson right triangle is oozing beyond what I expected.

Blood drips and stains the carpets. I can't help but crack a smile. She really rubbed off on me more than I thought, huh?

I feel... strange

The pain I felt was real.

I'm not imagining this.

And now...

I don't know how to explain what I felt.

Oh no... I let my emotions get the best of me now.

What have I done?

I get up and go wash my arm under the sink. The pink water flows down, down, down into the leaden pipes.

I didn't care that I just did that. All I cared about was saving them.

And how could I ever save them if I'm like this? I would only make things so much worse...

There is no way Yuri would trust me to help her self-harm problem if she saw this.

Maybe I should just let them be...

Maybe without Monika, things will be OK...

* * *

That day, I wore long sleeves. At least it was winter, so it doesn't matter. Sayori was no where to be found, so I just assumed she went to school without me.

I approached the door to my English classroom but hesitated.

Isn't there something I'm forgetting?

_They're better of without you. Monika was what was making them that way. Without Monika, they will be happy, even without you._

Why is it that I'm... feeling this way?

I push the door open and slump in and into my chair.

Am I betraying Sayori by ignoring her?

" _Don't be silly! I know you would do the same thing for me if I had a really bad dream too."_

…

What kind of friend am I?

I raise my hand and ask to leave to go to the bathroom, but I take all my stuff and run out.

I had to do something. So I went with the plan.

I went to the library and got a psychology book. I was in a rush, so when I ran out the door I bumped into a small girl and her stuff fell all over the hall.

MC : "Oh god, I'm so sorry!"

That's when I saw who it was. She was short, tiny, and frail-looking, wearing the usual girl school uniform and a pink clip to match her hair and eyes. I scrambled to pick up Natsuki's things.

_But she has no idea who I am._

MC : "Here, let me help you."

Natsuki : "Jeez! Watch where you are going next time, OK?"

Natsuki makes little effort to pick up her own things, and I grab it all for her and hand it to her.

Natsuki : "...Thanks."

I stand there awkwardly, unable to think of something to say to this girl who I got so close to, who doesn't even remember me...Her eyes catch the title of the book I'm holding in my hand, and I see a glimmer of something in her eyes.

MC : "Oh... Um, it's a book for my friend..."

Natsuki gives a faint smile for the first time.

I swallow. I know that I'm going to need everything I can get to help Sayori... And Natsuki is her friend, right? So she can help me!

MC : "Hey, you made the cupcakes right? Sayori told me about you."

Natsuki : "Yeah, so I did. What of it?"

MC : "Well, umm, they were really good, is all..."

I trail off. I actually didn't eat one the other day at Sayori's, I was far too upset to eat, let alone something so sweet.

Natsuki : "Of course. I'm the best baker in this school!"

MC : "Uhh, I don't doubt it." It's getting a little tiresome to hear this. "I certainly don't know how to bake."

Natsuki : "I wouldn't expect someone like you to know how to bake, don't worry."

Ouch.

MC : "Um, well, yeah- I was.. wondering..."

I spoke without really thinking, just in case this was my last chance to talk to her in a while. Even if she doesn't know me, maybe I can... try to help her, too?

MC : "You're... Kinda cute. And seem really nice."

It was difficult for me to up front. But I was tired of waiting around for something to happen.

MC : "I was wondering if you would like to hang out after school some time?"

Natsuki blushed immediately and gave me an angry once-over.

Natsuki : "N-no way! I don't even know you, you creep!"

That went about as well as I could have predicted.

How can I save this?

" _Sayori talks about you more than anything else, you know.'_

MC : "You mean Sayori hasn't mentioned me? I'm only her best friend, MC."

Natsuki's face relaxes a little bit, but she keeps blushing.

Natsuki : "Well, fine. Just this once. Don't think I'm doing it for you! It's for Sayori. She says a lot of nice things about you, and always wanted to introduce you."

_Well, Natsuki and I are on the same page, then. I'm pretty much doing this for Sayori too._

_It doesn't hurt to get close to her, too._

_Oh, what am I saying? I should really focus. What has gotten into me?_

_I shouldn't have done that! But now I can't just stick her up. I have to go._

_It's really not nice to play with girls hearts. I know from... last time, that she does like me, at least a little._

_It's not fair to Sayori for me to do this, either... unless..._

_Maybe it really would be beneficial to know her friends. Maybe Natsuki and I can help her together?_

We set up the time and day and then moved on. I played it cool until she walked around the corner, then sprinted to the counselor's office.

* * *

When I approached, my hand reached for the doorknob but was quickly blown back by the door flying open.

A girl with long purple hair, and purple eyes, came out. Her eyes were watery, her face red, and she turned and gave me one look in the eye.

" _Yuri..." I wanted to say. But I can't._

She turns away and runs down the hall, without saying anything.

A conflicted feeling wells up inside of me.

I could chase after her.

Or I could try to get Sayori the help she really needs.

Yuri didn't look like she was in a good situation.

But Sayori... I know she's hiding her depression from me.

By the time I am finished thinking it through, Yuri is already down the hall and blended in with the groups of people.

I open the door.

The wait for the counselor is short.

I step inside his office. The counselor is a large, seedy man with a beard and a nice professional outfit.

C : "Hey, what can I do you for buddy?"

MC : "Hello."

I struggle with what to say. The marks on my arm are still burning.

Then, it all comes out.

MC : "I have a friend who really needs help and I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid that if I don't do something soon something bad might happen to her, and I don't know how to help her because she pushes people away, and I know she had really bad depression even though she would never tell me that, and I-"

C : "Who-okay, alright buddy. I feel for you. And you know what, we all feel a little blue sometimes."

I'm confused.

C : "Why don't you bring your friend in some time? We'd love to do what we can."

MC : "I can't do that right now. I don't even know where she is. Just please give me some help."

C : "Sure, sure. You know, I was in a real dark place myself when I was your age. My parents didn't care at all and you know, I thought about ending it. I really did. But in the end I decided that it was worth it, and I don't regret anything."

I'm getting angry now.

MC : "You're the counselor, right? So what I am asking of you is if you have any resources or help for me. She is very depressed. It isn't something she can just... get over."

C : "Listen, I do everything I can for these kids and I never get a thank you, or a yes-sir. Don't you get it? Life is difficult, son. And I can't really help her through you, now can I?"

My furrowed eyes meet a pamphlet in the corner. I reach over his desk and grab it while he sits, bewildered. I throw it in my bag. For a second, I stood near the door collecting my thoughts and honing my anger.

MC : "You... disgust me." I seethed. "I've never had the disdain of speaking with someone so revolting and useless. Firing you... would be..."

_Happy thoughts in shards upon the floor._

I get up and leave without further statement. There are better uses of my time.

The second I step out and try to cool my head, I remember Yuri.  _I should have gone after her!_

I hope it's not too late.

I sprint down the hall.


	3. Rope

Yuri walked into class and settled down into her seat.

She rarely ever spoke to anyone in high school. Now it was finally her senior year and she had very few friends to show for it.

However, she read a ton of good books!

Class was pretty boring, with the dribble of the teacher eventual fading away, and Yuri found her mind drifting away to her world of books...

Without really thinking, she opened up  _The_   _Dance of Sinners,_ her current reading material, and resumed where she left off.

T : "...And what do you think, Yuri?"

The teacher asked Yuri a question, but she wasn't paying much attention.

T : "What is the purpose of the final stanza? Go on, we're waiting."

Yuri swallowed hard, and her face started to turn red as the students all around turned to look at her.

Yuri : "I... I wasn't... I don't..."

She covered her face with her hair and stayed like that.

T : "Well, please pay more attention next time. All your classes are  _equally_  important."

Class was dismissed soon and Yuri stepped out into the hall. It was time for lunch and she usually got up with her friends Natsuki and Sayori to eat. Only Natsuki responded to the texts and they were the only two to show up for lunch.

Yuri : "Oh... Hey Natsuki." They greeted each other. Yuri was a little bit anxious, as it's always difficult to mediate the differences between Yuri and Natsuki without Sayori.

Natsuki : "Hi Yuri! How has your day been?"

Yuri : "Okay..." Her thoughts wandered, back to class. "Typical day, really."

They shuffled a little in their seats as friend groups walked past their lunch table. Natsuki speaks up.

Natsuki : "I ran into Sayori's best friend earlier. You know, the one she's always talking about?"

Yuri mumbles an affirmative while digging through her lunchbox.

Natsuki chose not to bring up the fact that she got asked out.

Natsuki : "...And he really liked my cupcakes, too."

Yuri : "You do make the best cupcakes..."

Lunches were usually this relaxed. It was rare for an argument to break out, but even still, Sayori just helps things move along more smoothly and feel less awkward.

Yuri had a simple sandwich and an apple for lunch, and Natsuki appeared to only have a granola bar.

Yuri struggled with something to say, so she didn't say anything, and just waited for Natsuki to continue. Her mind wandered back to her book. In it, the protagonist is a young high school girl who suffers from schizophrenia.

The unreliable narrator always keeps the reader on their toes.

The trauma she undergoes at a mental institution leads her to self-mutilate, and use her own blood to...

Natsuki : "Are you going to eat?" Natsuki points to Yuri's apple. Yuri shakes her head, and hands it over to Natsuki, who gobbles it up.

* * *

Yuri was already long gone, and I was alone.

_No way am I going back to class._

I begin the walk home early.

_I should check on Sayori. Even if I don't know what to say to her._

I make my way over to her house, and knock.

No response.

After a few minutes, I try to turn the doorknob, and to my surprise it actually opens up.

Her living room is dark, so I turn the lights on.

MC : "Sayori?"

Silence.

_I go upstairs. I really should have checked on her this morning. Especially after..._

" _Sayori?" No response. I open the door._

_Is this a nightmare?... It .. It has to be._

_This isn't real. There is no way this is real. Sayori wouldn't do this..._

I found myself standing in the living room for a very long time.

Not able to gather the strength to go upstairs.

I send Sayori a text. Maybe she really isn't home.

__Nothing I do can bring her back._ _

__I had only one chance and I wasn't careful enough. And now I'll carry this guilt with me until I die._ _

__Nothing in my life was worth more than hers, but I couldn't do what she needed from me. And now I can never take it back. Never._ _

I harvest my willpower, and take the steps upstairs.

MC : "SAYORI!"

Silence.

__This is almost like something a boyfriend would do, isn't it?_ _

I open the door. "Sayo-"

* * *

My phone buzzes. It's her.

Sayori : "Sorry that I couldn't walk with you today. I had to take care of some stuff outside of school!"

I sigh a sigh of relief. Her room is empty.

MC : "Don't scare me so much Sayori. You didn't even lock your door. I could've been a burglar!.. Anyway, I just wanted to see you, so come home soon, okay?"

I hope that didn't come across as weird or needy. I never was good at texting people... Or concealing knowledge. But there's no way I can just tell Sayori about what happened, and that what happened wasn't a nightmare... no way in hell. So there's no way I should know about her depression.

My eye catches something on her dresser table.

It's a letter.

I don't think I should read it, but... Sayori's not even home, so she'll never know anyway, right? It could be something that could help me understand Sayori's depression a little bit better. Maybe I could use it to help her.

"From : Yuri

To : Sayori

Dear Sayori,

Thank you so much for... You know, the other day.

I really don't know what I would do with out you. I probably wouldn't be... here.

Ever since we first met, you've only treated me with respect and understanding.

You don't know how much it means to me to have that.

I hope one day I can repay you, Sayori.

Until then, all I can do is tell you how much you mean to me.

P.S. It's just a small token of appreciation. Please don't think I feel like I... Owe you material things.

Yuri"

Wow, this is amazing.

I always knew Sayori was great. But I didn't know she was capable of THAT. I wonder what specifically happened between them...

_Maybe Sayori can help me with the other two. She seems to be really capable of that. But right now, she's in too dark of a place to even go to school, and she is lying to me about it._

_I have to help Sayori first._

That's when I saw something that scarred me, took my breath away and threw chills up and down my entire body.

A box in Sayori's closet.

In the box, a single piece of heavy duty rope wound into a coil.

* * *

_Is she going to be OK? Please tell me she's going to be OK._

_"Unfortunately, it's too early to tell that right now. We are doing everything we can."_

_Spiralling thoughts. Spiralling emotions. I should have seen the hints. Should have done something, told someone..._

* * *

I got home and threw my books down and rocked my head in my hands.

What exactly did I think a psychology book was going to do to help me anyway?

And some shitty counselor's depression pamphlet...

Was this really all I could come up with on my one chance?

I threw the box under my bed. There is no way she is getting that back, no matter her excuse. I'll burn that shit. I don't care if it rats me out, and she figures out everything. I would tell her everything if that meant she would be okay.

Whatever it takes, I only have this chance to do it.

And she has been acting strange lately anyway, so it's not a far stretch that I would have caught on to her act.

Sayori made it home later that day, and I greeted her outside in the courtyard.

I made my mind. I have to act now.

MC : "Listen... Sayori, there's something I need to tell you."

Sayori : "What is it, MC?"

MC : "Let's go inside."

We stepped inside her house.

MC : "I know... That you aren't feeling well. But it's okay."

I remember some passages I read about how I should go about this. Treat her with respect, kindness, directly address the issue, and give her a social network to fall upon...

Sayori looks at me strangely.

MC : "You don't have to say anything, okay? I know about your.. depression. Sayori, I just want you to know that I love you."

Sayori's expression turned from her typical smile when I said that. Her eyebrows furrowed as she avoided looking me in the eye.

I gently grab her arm and pull myself closer.

MC : "And that I am here for you."

_I am so new to this. I am so confused about whether what I am saying it right, or wrong._

MC : "I just want you to understand that... That I care. And that all your friends care. And we want to help you get better."

Sayori is still silent, her shifting, watery eyes making contact with mine on occasion. I struggle to find the next sentence.

MC : "And that it will get better! I don't know much about this, Sayori, but I know it'll get better, and I'll go through it with you."

Tears are rolling down Sayori's cheek now, and she looks at me with her big, ocean-blue eyes

I give her the tightest hug I've ever given, squeezing harder than I thought possible.

_This time, I'm not letting go of her._

MC : "I'm no-t letting g-go" I say through my own sobbing.

Sayori is crying hard, I can feel her arrhythmic and sharp breaths as I squeeze her tighter.  _Is this the right thing to do?_

She lets out a gasp of air.

Sayori : "I... how did you.."

MC : "Sayori, there's nothing in the world, and n-nobody, that means more to me than you do. And I want you to know that I'm doing everything to understand your feelings better now. You don't have to go through this alone."

Now, we are rocking back and forth in an embrace that seemed to last forever.

Sayori : "I... I love you too, MC..."

Sayori : "I have always loved you.. But I never wanted to burden you. I... I think I want to... be with you."

If I could hug her forever, I would have.

MC : "You're just the opposite of a burden, Sayori. We can be together now. Everything is going to be OK, you hear me?"

Sayori struggled and moved in my embrace, as if resisting a little.

Sayori : "I'm really scared. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore..."

Sayori : "But your hugs feel so warm.. And that's scaring me too. I wish you wouldn't do this to me. I don't deserve your effort to care about me."

I look her in the eyes. At this point everything I've ever wanted to say just came out.

MC : "You're so strong, Sayori. I've never met anyone who is stronger than you. I know you can overcome this. You overcome everything."

MC : "I love you. I can't lose you. The world can't lose you, Sayori. You're too valuable. Too precious. Too perfect. Even if you don't believe it to be true, it is."

MC : "You deserve the world and I want to give it to you. We can travel together, see the world together. I promise there's more to life than this, Sayori. We can go through it together."

When we finally let go, the sun had set outside.

Sayori : "M...MC... Would you please stay? I... I'm afraid of being alone right now."

I agreed without hesitation. Of course I would stay.

MC : "Sayori. Of course I will stay. I don't care about school. All that matters to me is you right now, okay? I promise "

Sayori motioned toward the bed, and laid herself down on her side, facing the wall. There was barely enough room for me to sit on the other side of the twin mattress, but I didn't care.

I settled in under the covers with Sayori and wrapped my arms around her, and closed my eyes.

There was little else that needed to be said. The sun went down, and we cuddled in silence.

Sayori would move a little bit occasionally throughout the night, but I laid steadfast in hopes that she understands that I'm not going anywhere, any time soon, until she feels better.

I would give up everything to spend all my time with Sayori like this. Tomorrow, I need to work even harder to help Sayori.

I know that this is only the beginning of a long journey towards recovery. But I feel comforted to know that she seems to be taking this well, and doing okay, for now.

I can't forget that I agreed to meet Natsuki for a date as well. Hopefully, it won't interfere with my time with Sayori in any way. I know she needs me the most right now. Natsuki and Yuri, even though I love them, I feel like their lives aren't as in immediate of danger as Sayori's.

Sayori fell asleep eventually. I could feel her breathing change, as each breath she took I could feel on my own chest. I knew it was her finally falling asleep. It felt good to know that she was comfortable enough to sleep with me in her arms. Eventually, even my thoughts calm down enough for me to slip away, into the dream world.

* * *

The next morning, Sayori slipped out of bed without waking me.

She was still keeping something from me, wasn't she...?

Of course I knew this would be hard. At least I can rest knowing that Sayori seems much better off now than she did under Monika's influence. She might be keeping something secret, but I know Sayori better than anyone. She can't keep a secret from me for long!

Her house is empty, and I don't have the slightest idea where she's gone.

I'm not worried this time, though. I'll just send her a text later in the day if she doesn't show up at school.

I have to go do this Natsuki thing anyway, since I'm a man of my word and also apparently a man of quick and rash decision making...

Suddenly, I had a sick idea in my head.

Really, there was nothing  _wrong_  with the literature club except... Monika's antics.

So why can't we start it again? Maybe it would be actually beneficial for everyone to be sharing each other's works.

If I can handle doing that without having a panic attack, that just might be some way I could get all these girls together in a social support system!


	4. Date Night!

I began making my way to school.

Natsuki is meeting me after we are dismissed, so I might as well just go to some of my classes.

It wouldn't exactly help me out to get in trouble at school for skipping too much.

My first class is as boring as ever.

I fiddle with my pencil in my hands, flipping it around, and my mind keeps wandering to Sayori, Natsuki, and Yuri...

I might as well give all I can to these girls, while I can.

I know that Monika was the main reason all those things happened, but I just can't... get certain images out of my head.

It's so haunting I just feel like I have to help them.

You never know, maybe Monika's influence was less than I suspect, and they are headed towards dark paths, or worse... death.

After all, didn't Yuri say something in that letter to Sayori, something like...

_I probably wouldn't... be here._

Did Sayori really already save Yuri's life once?

I stop daydreaming for a moment, and unroll my sleeve to check my watch.

Fresh wounds are still there on my arm.

I better not let the stress of this get to me again...

I don't know if I can handle another breakdown like that.

And I'm wondering what drove me to do that, besides the desire to determine if this was reality.

But I can't focus on myself right now. There are people in the world who need me.

The bell rings, and I step outside the classroom, still zoning out, when I spot the familiar purple haired girl on the opposite end of the hall.

No time to waste, I quickly push past students to get to her.

She keeps on moving at a steady pace toward her locker.

In my mind's eye, I see her...

_I just want to open up your skin and crawl inside you._

_Do you accept my confession?_

I feel like a creep following her down the hall, but I can't think of how to approach her.

_The clock is ticking._

Well, I might as well just go for it. She was at her locker, grabbing a textbook or something.

MC : "Excuse me, is your name Yuri?"

Yuri jumps a little bit at my sudden voice from behind her, then slowly turns to face me.

She looks at me, then toward the ground with a slightly dejected look on her face.

She is as tall, elegant, and beautiful as ever, but her body language says she is uncomfortable.

_She reaches for the sharpest blade._

_Slowly dragging it across and s_ _avoring the burning pain_

_"Haah...Haah..."_

_Until her arms are nothing but red,_

_blood dripping down to the floor._

_The blade plunges_

_again and again_

_Her artery sliced_

_the color draining from her eyes and face as she decomposes._

Yuri : "Um... Yes, I'm Yuri."

How should I deal with this?

Well, I can't exactly ask  _her_  out, since I already asked Natsuki, and that would be just wrong.

I already feel bad enough going on this date after last night with Sayori.

MC : "Hi, I'm MC. Sayori has talked about you, and I've seen you two hanging out together. I thought I would introduce myself."

Yuri blushes, and speaks softly and apprehensively : "Oh, um.. It's nice to meet you... finally."

Yuri seems extremely timid, even more so than I remember her.

I know she doesn't remember me at all, but it's making this so much more difficult for me.

MC : "Anyway, I'm sorry to bug you.."

Where am I going with this?

MC : "But... I haven't had a place to eat lunch in a while."

That was a lie, but it was just a white lie, it's okay, right?

The truth was, I never ate lunch with Sayori, Yuri, or Natsuki, because I just wasn't very interested at all.

I would have rather eaten lunch with my fellow anime nerd friends.

But that was before the literature club.

MC : "And I was wondering if I had your permission to join you tomorrow."

Yuri looks a little confused, or upset, or something.

Or maybe she's just thinking real hard, like she usually does, but for whatever reason, she doesn't say anything for a while.

Just an intense expression on her face, while she holds her hand to her chest.

Yuri suddenly looks towards me, as if noticing I was there.

Yuri : "Oh-I'm sorry, I.. forgot to speak."

She manages a weak smile.

She speaks slowly, and deliberately, and her voice is deeper than both Natsuki and Sayori's.

Yuri : "Yes, please join us. Sayori has been missing from lunch recently."

Yuri : "So we would like to hear how she is doing from her best friend."

I smile back. Yuri really is the sweetest girl.

MC : "Great! I'm looking forward to it. And don't worry, Sayori just had to take a little break. I'll talk to you more about it later."

We stood for a moment there, as the halls became empty as people poured into the classrooms.

MC : "Anyway, I should be getting to class, so..."

I smile again, say goodbye, and walk away.

I probably shouldn't burden Yuri with any serious stuff about Sayori.

I also shouldn't ambush her like that, either. I need to give her time.

Yuri is the kind of person who needs to process things a bit, and she doesn't really handle intense rapid stimulation very well.

_When she gets excited, she goes into a corner, and..._

I can relate to Yuri more than she knows.

* * *

The school day ends before too long, and it's time to meet up with Natsuki.

I'm feeling a bit anxious now about how I'm going to deal with all of these girls.

In the literature club, they seemed to be pretty obviously into me.

But now I feel pretty strongly that Sayori is the only girl for me.

Except... I mean, I do really like Yuri and Natsuki.

I hope this doesn't become more complicated than I intended. I should have probably thought this through.

I see the tiny pink haired girl in the distance, and make my way over to her.

MC : "Wow, you didn't stick me up."

Natsuki looks hardly amused.

Natsuki : "Believe me, I thought about it."

MC : "Anyway, let's head on over to my car. I'm parked way over there."

We begin walking to a far parking lot, the one I use because it's the only one that consistently has space.

MC : "How was your school day?"

Natsuki pouted just a little.

Natsuki : "Typical. Stupid."

MC : "Yeah, I'm just about done going to classes myself." I try to relate to her.

She seems sour, as expected, but also kind of down in the dumps.

We got in the car, and I started to head toward a fast food place, maybe Del Taco, or something, not really thinking hard about it.

_My dad would beat the shit out of me if he found them_

Actually, you know... I do have some extra cash.

And now that I'm here with Natsuki, I am really feeling sympathetic for her.

It may not be obvious to those who don't know about it, but...

You can hear the pain and exhaustion in her voice.

She often looks tired, under the makeup.

And while I don't know exactly what happens to her at home, I know she deserves something that can make her life just a little bit better.

Something that will give her... a little bit of hope, maybe, that not all in this world just want to take advantage of you.

I make a turn away from Del Taco and head towards the nearby steakhouse.

MC : "Hey Natsuki, how does steak sound?"

Natsuki's face tightens up.

She has an expression of confusion, or shock.

Natsuki : "Oh, um... No, that's okay, I don't want to cost you a fortune. The steakhouses around here aren't cheap.. A-and.."

Her face betrays everything she is saying.

MC : "Natsuki, it's alright. I want to do something special for you. Just be honest, do you even like steak?"

Natsuki looks away from me, out the window. She finally speaks.

Natsuki : "...Yeah..."

….

Natsuki : "...Thank you, MC."

She looks confused, and I don't blame her.

After all, she just met me for the first time the other day.

* * *

We arrive, and sit down at our tables. The waiter comes and we order our meals.

While we wait, we make small talk about our classes and teachers.

Natsuki seemed to have had an attitude shift.

She was really opening up to me, and being way nicer than usual.

Under the dim light of the characteristic steakhouse lamps, and beaming as she spoke to me, she looked more beautiful than her typical cute.

It was rare to see her like this.

And I didn't feel any tension at all. We actually get along pretty well.

We finally got our food.

Natsuki looked rather enthusiastically at her meal, a large T-bone steak, mashed potatoes, green beans

I think to myself that it is kinda weird that we Japanese school kids are having such American meals, but oh well, let's just say that's another thing that gets 'lost in translation'.

I also ordered a steak, and I started digging in immediately.

MC : "Looks delicious, man, I can't wait- I haven't eaten anything today yet in preparation for this."

_I realize immediately that was a stupid thing to say._

Natsuki doesn't take her eyes off the plate, and grabs her fork and knife and attempts to begin cutting.

While cutting my steak, I see her struggling, her knife and fork scraping against the plate and sliding around.

_Oh no... This isn't her... first time cutting meat, is it?_

MC : "Natsuki, let me help you, please."

Natsuki looks angrily towards me for a moment.

Natsuki : "No! I can..."

She looks away. Then she pushes the plate towards me without looking toward me or saying anything.

I cut up her steak for her into little bite sized pieces, and pour some steak sauce on her platter.

MC : "Here, try it with this sauce. It's really good, trust me."

Natsuki continues to look slightly uncomfortable until she begins to eat.

I continue talking so that she doesn't feel the need to while she eats.

Natsuki stops for a moment to speak.

Natsuki : "This is so delicious! This is almost..."

Natsuki : "Better than cupcakes. Almost."

I can't help but laugh, and when I do, she looks pleased with her joke.

* * *

We head out the door into the frigid air after we paid the bill, and made our way to the car.

Natsuki once again has an expression on her face that I can't seem to pin down very well.

We get in and close the doors.

Natsuki : "Take me home." She says reluctantly.

She gives me an address, and I just follow her wishes and begin to take her to her house.

This time in the car ride, we were pretty quiet.

There was something hanging over the air, now, that wasn't earlier.

I peek over at Natsuki in the passenger seat and she's got her eyes closed, with a rather intense expression on her face.

We pull into the driveway.

Natsuki : "Thank you for the.. date, MC. I really enjoyed it."

Natsuki : "I wish there was... always, something to do after school. And..."

I say it for her.

MC : "We can do it again sometime. Anytime, Natsuki. In fact, could I join you for lunch tomorrow?"

_I probably shouldn't make so many promises, but..._

Natsuki : "Yes, of course." She pauses again. "I'll see you then?"

She smiles a big and bright smile, showing her cute and characteristic 'fang' as she asks that.

MC : "Yeah."

It's pretty weird for her to be so genuine and nice, but I should take it as a compliment. I must be doing something right this time.

As she opens the door to leave, Natsuki looks like she wants to say something.

There is definitely something on her mind, but she is struggling to get it out.

She freezes.

Natsuki : "...goodbye."

And before I can say anything, she's closed the door behind her and gone into her house.

* * *

That night, when I got home, I texted Sayori to check up on her.

I might even go over and visit her.

Tomorrow, I have to go have lunch with all three of them.

Afterwards, I hope I can spend more time with Sayori.

My current plan is to take her down to one of the local parks or springs to enjoy a bit of nature together.

Still, I can't stop thinking about Natsuki earlier.

I don't want to imagine the possibility that Monika actually didn't change Natsuki's home life at all.

Judging by how she reacted to my kindness, she must not get it often.

Balancing my relationship with three unique and beautiful girls may prove more challenging than I thought.

I sigh and sit down at my desk.

I count the minutes, waiting for Sayori to respond to my text,

gathering anxiety the longer time draws on.

A glass shard catches my eye, and I see my reflection in it.


	5. Promises

I first met Sayori when I was about seven years old.

She and I went to the same school.

My memories of that time are fuzzy now. But I do know I teased her all the time.

When she moved into my neighborhood, I wasn't exactly thrilled.

The annoying, weird girl who I spent so long teasing was now going to be someone I had to see all the time.

But over the years, and our parents forcing me to be nice, I guess she grew on me to an extent.

Of course, I kept teasing her, up until... Well, until I discovered her depression.

Both my parents and hers underwent a divorce at some point.

I remember Sayori acting a little differently after that.

When I first met her, she was quirky, and funny, but also really observant and intelligent.

She wasn't super confident. But she wore her thoughts on her sleeve. She wasn't good at hiding anything yet.

And she spaced out sometimes, like she still does, going to some place in her head.

I remember her being the student who read the most books in our class one year, believe it or not.

After we became teenagers, she became the familiar cheery, suspiciously optimistic girl she is now.

All the while hiding from all her loved ones a serious case of depression.

And even if I had figured this out at the time, she would never have told me what happened. That's just now how she is.

She would probably do everything in her power to lie to me that everything is ok, and that I'm the one imagining things.

_...MC : "Sayori?"_

_It was probably 8_ _th_ _grade. And we were outside for recess. I saw Sayori sitting alone, on a swing, while the other kids run around screaming merrily._

_Sayori : "Yeah, MC?"_

_MC : "What's up? Why you all alone?"_

_Sayori gave me a big smile._

_Sayori : "Aww, do you care about me, MC? That's soo sweet~"_

_Sayori : "I'm just thinking about what I'm going to do for my science project."_

_Sayori makes a pouty face._

_Sayori : "I never was good at science..."_

_I probably blushed a little in that moment._

_MC : "No! Don't be a dummy. I was just kinda wondering why you're acting all like a loner, is all."_

_MC : "Anyway, we're playing a game over on the slides. We need one more person, so come on!"_

_Sayori : "Oh, fun! Let's go!"_

Sayori would do anything, including manipulate me so that I wouldn't figure her out.

How do you even help someone who seems like they don't want to get better, or don't want help?

All I know how to do is love her.

Now that I think of it, there were some moments when we were kids where she seemed to be in a really dark place.

_MC : "Sayori, I know you're not being yourself right now. Tell me what happened."_

_Sayori seemed different this time. She looked at me intensely._

_Sayori : "MC, you're my best friend. You can keep a promise, right?"_

_MC : "Of course. I never break a promise!"_

_Sayori : "Promise not to tell anyone else. I don't want anyone to worry about me."_

_MC : "I promise."_

_Sayori : "My parents are separating. And I feel like it's all my fault, because I told my mom about something dad did, and..."_

_She looks down at the floor. She's struggling to continue._

_Sayori : "Now he's going to move away. Last time I saw him... he told me..."_

_She starts choking up._

_I don't know what to say. All my life, I've known Sayori, she's always just been a ball of sunshine._

_This feels so sudden, and I've never dealt with this._

_I don't know what to do, so I just give her a hug. But her arms stay to her side._

_All I want to do is comfort her, but she doesn't seem to be receiving it very well._

_Sayori : "I'm OK... I'm OK MC. You can let me go."_

We made a lot of promises, as kids. And part of our code as best friends is to never break our promises.

I hate to say it, but she was really clever to lure me into that one.

It's a method for her to make sure no one finds out about her depression.

Sayori is smarter than she seems, I swear.

...

Hey, um, you...

Do you know how stressful it is to try to take this on?

…

..Listen...

….

There's been something I've been meaning to talk about, but just couldn't find a way to mention it.

So I'll just blurt it out.

Sometimes, when I get really anxious or upset, and I'm all alone in my room..

Like now. Here I am, just contemplating, in my room.

And all I can think about are all the dumb things I've done in my life...

Some... Feelings and desires get the best of me.

I think I mentioned earlier, how my strong emotions drive me to craziness sometimes.

I swear I'm not usually like this.

It's like.. Something strange really takes over me sometimes.

It's probably the stress of the situation weighing upon me.

All I can do is just sit here with my own, dangerous thoughts.

" _I think everyone has a sort of guilty pleasure._

_Something you wouldn't want others to know about._

_Do you have something like that, MC?"_

And while I wait here, counting the seconds as I wait for Sayori...

I feel that itch that I need to scratch.

_I gave the raccoon a piece of bread, my subconscious well aware of the consequences._

_Well aware that a raccoon that is fed will surely come back for more._

There are a few ways I know to... Take the edge off.

My corrupted glance reaches a corner where I keep my stash.

No, wait... I'm supposed to be the strong, responsible one.

Using all my time to try to help them...

But something wells up inside me, now.

This feels... Familiar.

Intoxication is so...

entįc̶ing

….

….

_I slice the bread... and feed myself again._

* * *

Yuri felt a hot wash of shame and embarrassment run over her face.

The spotlight was right on her.

The fear pounding, heart beating like drums in her ears-

With their eyes as piercing as knives.

The kids always laughed at her.

Everyone made fun of the shy girl.

She couldn't help but be shy. Ever since she was a kid, Yuri was the primary bullying target of all the kids.

No matter what the teachers did, they found a way to get her alone.

And they got her in public, too.

One time, a boy flipped up her skirt in front of everyone.

He didn't get in trouble for it.

_Another reminder._

Her feelings were turbulent,

and they struck with the force of a tsunami.

Pounding, beating, clawing at her head, corrupting her thoughts, consuming her, sending her into a dizzying spiral of dread-

_One more tally mark that I can't erase._

What can a girl even do about such feelings?

Well, sometimes Yuri wrote a poem.

Sometimes she drinks. She wouldn't let anyone know that, though.

Sometimes, she just reads.

Other times, something catches her eye in the corner.

Something incredibly shiny, indescribably beautiful.

Something that can maybe capture and represent a tiny bit of how she feels.

Something born of deadly sins.

Something that drains away the world, if but for a moment.

At first, it was agony. But when the dreadful world is gone and replaced with nothing but agony-

well, that is welcome and preferred.

But before long, it became like an addiction for her.

She loved the thrill.

And Yuri was by all accounts, an innocent and pure soul.

She loved to do something  _bad._

Something no would suspect her of.

Each scar was a record, which if you took the time to see

each tally on her skin tells a story.

But no one ever saw it.

Yuri was never seen in anything other than long sleeves after middle school.

Yuri had a lot of secrets.

She was a sweetheart.

She was so thoughtful, so thoughtful she even kept

her will in a hidden box in her room.

Just in case.

* * *

Soon, I forgot where I was.

And everything is forgiven.

My vision is turning black.

I stand up from my desk and make an attempt to my bed, when the world fades away.

My thoughts fade away, too, and I can no longer control where I walk.

I don't remember anything after that.

….

I'm so sorry, Sayori, Natsuki, Yuri.

I'm sorry that out of everyone in the world to help you, you were stuck with me.

A clueless teenager with issues of his own.

Knowing that Sayori had that rope, makes me feel such a fundamental sense of despair...

She was ready to die, already, or at least planning it.

One of the most horrifying things I can imagine are the thoughts going through her head before she does it.

What is she feeling in that moment?

What were her last moments like...?

It sickens me to my stomach to imagine.

And Yuri... She, too, could've already been dead.

They could be dead right now, while I'm nodding off, stoned on the floor.

I don't know what happened. I don't know what came over me. It didn't feel like it was  _ME_  who was doing that.

My phone is ringing, but I'm out cold.

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Silence.

Then again. Ring... Ring... Ring...

* * *

_It wasn't hard at all for Sayori to find another rope to buy._

_And MC still hadn't responded to her texts and calls._

_How do you feel when the one person who claimed to be there for you, is ignoring you?_

_It was definitely her fault._

_She made her feelings too obvious, and MC figured her out, and now he's decided she was just too much to handle._

_There was something she just couldn't tell him._

_She's had crippling depression her whole life, and in fact, it didn't look like it was poised to go away any time soon._

_She felt terrible that night that MC came to talk to her._

_She never wanted anyone to care about her that much._

_All she wanted was to give all she could give to her friends._

_And maybe if she made them happy, she could be happy, too._

" _If they care about me, it will just make it all the worse when I..."_

_Sayori ripped up the month of January on her calender: a self-imposed deadline._

_The MC giving himself to her... That didn't make her feel that great at all._

_In fact, she felt like a greater burden than ever before._

_Every day... Was just the same fucking slog._

_And the only reason she ever got out of bed was to avoid people like MC, who just waste all their time and effort trying to make something happen that will never happen._

_She loved him too much to hurt him._

" _I don't deserve their energy._

_I'm the most worthless human ever. All I do is drain people of their energy as they fruitlessly try to 'help' me._

_I don't need help. I need to die._

_If I could just disappear, and no one remembers me..._

_These feelings are too strong for me to bear._

_At least, when I'm dead, I will finally be empty of them._

_And I won't be around to see my friends suffering._

_When I woke up this morning, I knew it was the day from the beginning._

_There is no new light, no new hope, nothing.. today._

_Nothing but darkness._

_There is no purpose for me to remain._

_I tie the rope to the ceiling._

_All I do is hurt others. I drain their energy._

_I try to help them but they see through me. I'm not strong enough to keep my feelings to myself anymore._

_If all I can do is hurt... I have no purpose here._

_As I tie a noose, as I had dozens of times before in preparation, tears welled up in my eyes..._

_Tears of happiness._

_I'm finally going to be free._

_I'm so sorry, MC._

_But if you truly understood..._

_You would not blame yourself._

_I was already dead long ago, before you ever caught on._

_There was never any hope in my life._

_It was just a matter of time before the charade was over._

_When you confessed to me, it felt like knives being pushed into my heart._

_The one thing I cannot stand to do, is to hurt the one I love._

_When I see the concern on your face..._

_There is no greater pain in this world. I'm sure of it._

_And that's why I must do this._

_I must do this._

_I step inside the noose._

_The only fear I have now is that of the unknown._

_No one really knows what happens when you die._

_At least I get to find out._

_I don't even care. Anything is better than this._

_Anything is better than this pain that will never cease._

_Goodbye, Literature Club._

_Goodbye, MC, goodbye Monika, Sayori, and Yuri. Goodbye world._

* * *

_I kick the chair._

_The rope burns and pulls as gravity rips my neck and spine from my body._

_I let myself go limp and hang._

_But something is wrong._

_I'm not dying._

_I gasp for air, but my throat is closed._

_This wasn't supposed to happen._

_I try to swing, but I can't get a grasp of anything._

_Now I'm coughing up blood and saliva._

_I reach up to my neck and claw into it_

_as violently as I can, but I can't get a hold_

_I dig into my neck with my nails, maybe I can tear my own artery._

_I'm kicking and gagging as I try to scream but all that comes out are gurgles. Won't someone find me? Won't someone hear me?_

_I didn't expect this to be how I go. I don't want this!_

_Now they'll find me like this... But it's too late._

_The world is fading now, my blood-stained fingertips are turning purple._

_A black vignette superimposes itself upon everything._

_This is it. I'm really dying."_

* * *

My eyes burst open, and dart around the room.

This can't be happening.

Please tell me it was a nightmare.  _That_ was worse than a nightmare.

I get up off the floor and gain my bearings.

I was still in my room. My arm was stinging, I felt like I couldn't think straight.

I look to my right.

Standing in the doorway, is Sayori, copious tears flowing down her cheek.

I let out a gasp and ran toward her as fast I could, grabbing her in a tight embrace

Thank god. Thank god... Another flashback, or a nightmare, or whatever it was...

I can't bring myself to say anything. I can barely even think as my heart beats nearly out of my chest. Sayori is crying, but she looks just as relieved as I feel.

Sayori : "MC..."

She is sobbing hysterically now. I just decide to let her do the talking for now.

Sayori : "I was so worried when you didn't respond for hours."

Sayori won't stop crying as she looks at me, looking at my arm, and my disheveled room.

Sayori : "Why are you doing this, MC? Is it because..."

She chokes up.

Sayori : "Of me?"

I realize now what Sayori must have just gone through.

_I didn't reply to my texts. She forces her way into my house._

_She calls my name. No response._

_She goes upstairs._

_She slowly opens the door..._

_And there I am, bloody, passed out on the floor._

_I'm the worst boyfriend ever. I said I was there for Sayori, and that I wouldn't let go._

_But I just made her go through some of the pain I had to go through..._

_She might have thought I was...dead. That I had overdosed or accidentally cut an artery._

MC : "No, Sayori. No, no, no, not at all. It's not you're fault. I..."

My head felt foggy. I sighed deeply.

MC : "It's my fault. I couldn't..."

Sayori was looking at my arm, where blood was still trickling.

I couldn't think of anything to say at all.

I wanted to lie, but it was very obvious that these wounds were not accidental.

I wanted to tell her that it was my fault, for letting my feelings get too strong.

But that's exactly the same thing Sayori told me about her depression.

At this point, I knew I had fucked everything up.

But all I could think about was Sayori... Hanging. I needed to make sure that that never happened. Somehow.

Sayori just ran into my bathroom wordlessly, and came out with some medical supplies.

Holding the tape in her mouth, she disinfected my arm silently.

What could I even say? How could I explain this to her?

She wraps it up and tapes it down.

Sayori : "There... All better."

She manages a weak smile, and I smile back.

MC : "Sayori, before I tell you anything, I need you to do something for me, okay?"

She looks serious as she nods without hesitation.

Sayori : "What is it, MC?"

MC : "I love you. You love me, right?"

She nods again, her face still glossy and flush from crying.

MC : "Promise me that you'll do everything in your power to outlive me."

MC : "...Because I couldn't live one second without you." I laugh as I say it.

Sayori smiles through tears, but doesn't say anything..

MC : "I need you understand that. Because I really mean it."

I didn't say it, but I think she understood in that moment what I meant.

That if she went, I went too. That's the new deal.

MC : "I told you we are in this together. Because it's true. Now do it. Swear it. You can keep a promise, right?"

Sayori : "...I promise, MC."

That felt like a little victory.

I grabbed her hand and squeezed tight.

When I look in her blue eyes, I see the world reflecting back at me...

In that room was a peaceful quiet now.

Sayori is looking right into my heart with those blue eyes.

Without thinking at all, I closed my eyes, leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

A tingling sensation went down my whole body.

I could feel her muscles contracting as she tightened with surprise.

But she didn't resist or move away, she just closed her eyes and leaned into me as well.

In that fleeting idyllic moment, we began to understand the extent of our love.

A banal, passionate feeling of quiet and thoughtful peace and fulfillment filled my heart.

It's the most intense feeling I've ever felt.

When our lips finally departed, I opened my eyes and looked right into hers

Sayori is blushing, and she has a passionate look on her face.

My heart is trying to escape my rib cage, my breath is sucked out of my chest.

MC : "That means... Thank you."

I'm beaming now, feeling almost lightheaded and high. It felt so right to do that. We just look into each other's eyes.

Sayori's giving me a genuine smile in reciprocation through her disheveled hair.

Sayori : "Now... it's your turn to promise me."

Sayori : "You'll tell me everything you've been keeping from me."

I chuckle. Sayori really is smarter than she lets on.

This time, I would be honest with her. No more lying to her.

MC : "I promise."

A promise is a promise.

* * *

I went downstairs and made coffee, and made some food to bring upstairs.

It's pretty funny that just a few nights ago, I was over at her place, comforting her.

And now she came over to mine, and comforted me.

It finally feels official. That is-we-feel official, as a couple, now.

Something didn't feel right about her running away in the morning last time, I should have sensed it.

She was still hesitant then. She didn't think it was okay to tell me everything. But now, I could feel for the first time her opening up her heart completely.

Sayori told me about why she ran away that morning.

She thought at first that I was only trying to 'comfort' her like other guys have tried to.

She loved me, but just could not imagine the possibility of someone loving her.

When she realized that I genuinely loved her, and she found me in such a bad condition, it scared and hurt her.

It made her think about her own suicidal thoughts. And how she would force her loved ones to find her dead body.

It sent shivers down her spine as she realized what she almost did.

This time, all the apprehension was gone.

...

By now, it must have been midnight, but Sayori and I were wide awake.

We held hands, kissed, cuddled, and talked about all of our feelings and troubles for hours on end. It was young love.

We probed each other's mind, both of us finally understanding the magnitude of our mutual love, and with the borders dissolved, we were totally open and free to be ourselves with each other.

In those moments, she was active, and stimulated. Not sulking and depressed. And so was I.

She told me straight up what she felt. No more lies or pretending. And I did the same.

Do you know how therapeutic that is? To just... Be able to say the things that come from the deepest reaches of your heart, those thoughts and feelings that really make you...  _you._  To be able to say that without fear of any judgment, knowing that you will always receive unconditional love and understanding.

I could be wrong by speaking for her, but I think we both understood each other a little bit better after what just happened.

For one, I seemed to understand the feelings Sayori has been having for a long time.

I think I get why she pushes people away who want to help her, and instead tries to help others.

I have been guilty of doing the same thing, and I pretended like I didn't have a problem.

I get why she feels upset when people care or worry about her too much.

Like Sayori, I also just want other people to be OK, not really thinking too much about myself until those feelings forcefully manifest themselves.

And I think Sayori understands me a little bit better, too, after seeing me in such a position.

We accept each other for who we are, and we accept that we are both a little bit messed up right now.

But now, even if we don't take care of ourselves, we are both dedicated to taking care of each other.

I wonder if it's true, that love can heal all wounds?

I certainly feel the best I ever have in my life in this moment.

Sayori is more than a friend to me. And more than a girlfriend.

And I don't even think there's a word for it.

The closest feeling, other than love, I can think of, is peace. Contentment. The feeling when you know you're with the right person, who has the power to make everything right.

…

Before too long, Sayori is hounding me to begin the real story.

Well, I did promise her, and a promise is a promise.

I began to tell her about everything : Starting with the literature club.


	6. Questions

The time has finally come to come clean about everything to Sayori.

I began my speech, still unsure in the back of my mind if this is the right course of action.

I tell her that hallowed story that even I hate to think of.

MC : "It wasn't a dream like I told you. That was so you wouldn't worry."

The truth was stranger, however, and I didn't know how to get around to the point that... somehow, time was looped.

MC : "I joined a literature club at your request. But it wasn't "this" 'you', because... Well, I'll explain it more later."

It's making me so uncomfortable to think about this.

MC : "There was Monika, Yuri, Natsuki, You and I in the club. But things started going so wrong... and..."

MC : "You told me everything about your depression. We confessed our love..."

MC : "Then on the next morning, you didn't answer your texts."

MC : "When I came to your house... You..."

Sayori is looking more and more concerned as I begin my story. Suddenly, she wraps her arms around me.

Sayori : "Don't say any more."

She can tell how painful this is for me.

Not only that, but I think she knows what I was going to say anyway.

MC : "...And then Monika hijacked  _everything._  She was the one who made it all go wrong in the end." I catch my breath.

MC : "And she started talking to me, but to someone else, like she was talking through me."

I tried to explain what it was like to be stuck in this... time-loop.

Sayori probably thinks it was a drug trip, or something. I can't imagine she believes me.

Sayori : "Is Monika one of your classmates?"

MC : "Not anymore... She is gone now."

MC : "I know this doesn't make any sense, but it's the only explanation. Monika is some kind of..."

MC : "...Ethereal being, or something. She reset me back to this moment because.."

MC : "...That was what I wanted, and she... Loved me."

I finish and look toward her.

We are both sat on the rug, leaning on the furniture in my room.

She's in her casual wear, as am I, and we're drinking tea.

Sayori looks understandably confused, and very worried.

I begin to realize what she's probably thinking.

_MC is starting to totally lose his grasp on reality._

It may have been a mistake to try to be this honest, after all, but... I just thought...

I thought honesty was the best policy...

Sayori : "Well, it's a very interesting story.."

Sayori : "Ehehe..."

Sayori : "Don't worry, MC, I believe you, but..."

Sayori : "If what you say is really true, well, then...

Sayori : "We need to help Yuri and Natsuki too!"

My mind is blown once again.

A giant grin comes across my face and I hug Sayori for what must have been the hundredth time that night.

This girl amazes me every day with her selflessness; it seems like she is just fundamentally fixated on thinking about others.

She didn't react like I was crazy at all.

She just took this crazy, scary, confusing situation and found a way to find a way to reach something positive within it.

With reignited hope and determination, I nod in agreement toward Sayori, tears forming in my eyes.

MC : "Thank you, Sayori..."

MC : "There really is no one like you."

MC : "You're my one and only best friend, forever."

She smiles brightly right back at me and takes a sip of her tea.

There's really nothing I can say to her to express my gratitude.

Before today, I was all alone in this seemingly impossible quest...

But Sayori always knows how to talk to people! Her help with be invaluable.

I have limited experience dealing with this sort of thing, but Sayori has been struggling her entire life.

The clock strikes 15:00 -we're getting tired.

We stay up talking a little bit longer.

Once again, Sayori concedes to my request that she stay the night, even if we barely both fit on my twin mattress.

And we fall asleep like that, with her in my arms, making sure that she doesn't go anywhere.

* * *

MC : "I may not know what's best for you all the time, but I know this is the right thing to do for you."

MC : "So please, I'm begging you, just give it one shot... for me?"

That morning, after we awoke, I made Sayori some breakfast before we made our way out the door.

On our walk, I decided to attempt to convince Sayori to go to a real counselor, not one like the shitty school one.

It was the only way I knew for sure that I was  _supposed_ to help her. That's what I've always heard:

_"Get professional help."_

But she was reluctant.

Sayori : "MC, it's really nothing. I'm really fine, see?"

She gives a big smile.

Sayori : "I promise I'm feeling a lot better today."

I'm feeling conflicted.

Deep down, I feel like this is just one of her tricks to try to get me to not worry about her.

MC : "Please, Sayori. Don't lie."

MC: "It's okay to be honest with me."

MC : "I  _know_  that what you are experiencing is not just a temporary thing."

MC : "Just let me do this one thing. Please?"

MC : "All you will have to do is just talk about how you feel to someone who wants to help you."

I wish she could tell that it was just out of love.

But she did not look pleased.

Sayori : "That's not easy at all."

Sayori : "..."

Sayori : "But... I'll do it... This once!" She points at me.

Sayori : "Because it will make you happy, right?" I smile.

I hope it will make us both happy...

MC : "Don't make it about me! Just please give it an honest shot."

MC : "And if it doesn't work out, we can never do it again."

Sayori explains that she would rather do it alone, and have me go to school.

That's probably just because she doesn't want me to fail any classes.

Oh well, I have to oblige, especially because I already forced her out of her comfort zone.

I felt like my own ability to help her is severely limited and that was the best thing I could do...

I take her to a specialist for a short session and promise to pick her up when it's done.

MC : "Good luck! I love you!"

* * *

I arrive at school late and it's lunch time before too long.

I go to meet Natsuki and Yuri at their lunch table as agreed upon.

Natsuki : "Hey, MC."

Natsuki looks a little bit uncomfortable.

Yuri : "Is Sayori with you?"

MC : "No, unfortunately she still isn't feeling well."

Should I just tell them the truth about her depression?

Somehow, I think that Sayori really wouldn't want that.

I take a seat opposite of them.

MC : "She'll be here tomorrow, I'm sure. She can't miss an entire week."

She probably could.

Yuri and Natsuki are wearing their usual school uniforms, and Yuri has her book with her as usual.

Natsuki has something too, but she quickly hides it under the table when I notice it.

MC : "Natsuki, you like manga?"

Yuri looks up from her book towards us.

Natsuki : "N-n... Why?"

MC : "Well, I read manga. I was just curious."

Of course, I already knew she liked manga.

Natsuki : "Well... Yes, I do, if you must know."

MC : "Well, I'd love for you to show me your favorites sometime. I'm sure you've got something I've never seen."

Yuri is looking down at her book again, and I take the opportunity.

MC : "I can tell from your expression that you don't, Yuri. What's your book about?"

Yuri : "Oh, um... You wouldn't like it." She plays with her hair bashfully.

MC : "I like all literature."

That was a lie.

The truth was, I liked how literature was something we could easily talk about and bond over.

And really, one of the things I know for sure about these girls is what kind of stuff they read.

Natsuki : "Yuri likes books with unnecessarily complex language. Not like the manga we read."

Yuri doesn't look surprised, and doesn't stutter with her retort :

Yuri : "Better expanded and complex than childish and stifled..."

Natsuki : "Childish? Manga is for everyone!" Natsuki rapidly interjects.

Yuri : "And novels are only for those capable of appreciating the intrinsic skill required for intricate world building."

Yuri : "I don't expect that from you anyway, Natsuki."

The girls aren't looking at each other, more toward my direction, as if their arguing wasn't even directed toward each other.

That, or they just don't want to face each other.

I'm just baffled by how quickly this got out of hand. I just wanted to relate to each of them.

I should have known!

Now they're bickering like schoolchildren.

What would Sayori do in this situation?

MC : "Guys... Come on, quit fighting!"

MC : "Yuri...Manga is definitely a form of literature. Libraries have manga! It's just a little more light than you're used to."

MC : "And there's nothing wrong with taking yourself seriously sometimes and writing with deeply expressive language."

MC : "And it's ok to have our own reading preferences.

MC : "That just makes us unique."

MC : "So just cut it out!"

They're both looking down at their laps.

Maybe that came out more harshly than I meant to at the end.

Natsuki : "S-sorry, MC.."

Yuri : "I apologize... I can't believe I let you see that..."

Yuri : "We're usually not like this during lunch."

MC : "Listen, I have an idea for how we can learn to appreciate each other's favorite writing styles."

MC : "You write poems, right?"

The two girls both nod.

MC : "I had this idea a while back. We could all bring our poetry and share it during lunch."

MC : "A sort of... Ĺi̶t̴eràt͞ure C̢l҉ub͏ for us to pass the time at lunch or after school."

MC : "I don't have a lot of experience writing poetry. But I know it can be one of the best ways to express ourselves."

MC : "So what do you say?"

Natsuki : "No way!"

Natsuki : "...It's way too personal to just share like that."

She's blushing and looking away angrily.

Yuri : "I have to agree... It's an unreasonable request for us to share something so.."

Yuri : "...intimate."

MC : "Nonsense, I'll bring my own poem too, okay? And you can just bring anything."

I was just thinking it would help us get closer.

MC : "It doesn't have to be super serious."

They both look uneasy.

They're sitting quietly and avoiding eye contact.

MC : "Well... Even if you two don't want to, you don't have to. I'll just bring mine, okay?"

MC : "Don't stress about it at all."

I'm finishing up my lunch now

Yuri : "Well... I might bring one in. We'll see."

Natsuki : "Hmph!" - She's being stubborn as usual.

We continue the rest of lunch with casual conversation, since the mood had returned more or less to normal.

Before long, the bell rings and we all get ready to go back to our classes.

Natsuki confronts me after Yuri has left.

She corners me and gets up in my face, looking furious.

Natsuki : "Alright, I'm tired of this!"

Natsuki : "What's your deal?"

MC : "Natsuki, what are you on about?"

Natsuki : "Why are you acting like this? What do you want from us?"

What did I do?

Natsuki : "Why are you treating me so nicely for no reason like this?"

Natsuki : "It's really starting to piss me off!"

Well, I can't exactly explain it all to Natsuki. She probably wouldn't react like Sayori.

MC : "Well... I like you two."

MC : "Isn't that enough?"

I tried to dodge around it.

Natsuki looks conflicted, like she wants to be angry but she's realizing she doesn't really have any grounds.

She puts her pointer finger on my chest.

Natsuki : "No! I... Want to understand why you come here out of nowhere trying to do all these things for me and.."

Natsuki : "Buying me a nice dinner."

Natsuki : "And trying to get us to share poetry and stuff. So what is it, what's your deal?"

MC : "Nothing, Natsuki, honestly. I promise I'm not trying to manipulate either of you."

MC : "I only want to get to know you, and I'm only treating you two with the proper respect I should."

I grab her hand and move it away.

I have to admit, she's being pretty cute.

MC : "Now quit bullying me. Don't you have some poetry to write?" I say smugly.

Natsuki's face becomes red as she becomes visibly angry again.

Well, if she wants to act that way, that's what she's going to get in return. I know how to play that game.

Natsuki : "Ugh. Get over yourself!"

Natsuki storms away.

With a girl of her demeanor, I don't know if that's a positive response or not.

I'm going to bet on it being a positive one.

Anyway, I don't have any time to return to my classes.

I have to go pick up Sayori from her counselor.

I hope it went well, and she's finally getting all the help she needs.

As for the Natsuki and Yuri... I think this may be near futile.

I love them both, but...

There's just no way I, a single person, can actually give everything that needs to be given to them.

Especially when I'm officially.. With Sayori now.

But I can definitely give it my best shot.

I just hope their standards, or their needs are low, because well... I'm far from perfect.

At least Sayori has offered her help, and I truly believe she can do anything.

* * *

I pull up next to Sayori and park the car.

MC : "How was it?"

Sayori : "It was okay..."

Sayori quietly gets into the car and sits down without looking me in the eye.

MC : "What's wrong?"

Sayori : "Nothing's wrong."

MC : "What did they say?"

Sayori : "He said I should go to a doctor because I should get medication."

She's still just looking ahead, through the windscreen and toward nothing in particular.

I try to relax, but something in her demeanor is strange.

MC : "Well... What do you think?"

Sayori takes a deep breath through her nose and sighs.

Sayori : "I don't really like the idea of it, but..."

Sayori : "He said I might have an imbalance in my head that makes me sad."

Sayori : "...And that there are things that can help fix that."

I'm silent for a while, thinking about everything she said.

She's acting so solemn, definitely uncharacteristic.

MC : "Well, you don't have to, if you don't want to."

MC : "I support you either way."

MC : "And so do Natsuki and Yuri. I spoke to them today, and we want to start sharing our poetry during lunch. I know you have something you could bring!"

I admit it : I don't know what's best for Sayori. I'm just trying to be positive, but I guess that Sayori more than anybody would know if that was fake or real.

I'm trying to learn from my past mistakes.

All I know how to do is try to support her.

Sayori finally turned to look at me.

Sayori : "This is all just my punishment, isn't it?

Sayori : "I let my feelings show and now I hurt my friends, and now the world is punishing me for it."

Sayori : "It's okay. I deserve it, because I failed..."

I'm not sure if I should interrupt her or not. I decide it's best to let her vent it all out.

She's sniffing now and wiping her eyes.

Sayori : "That's the real reason you confessed to me."

Sayori : "It's because I deserve all the pain for the pain I caused you."

Sayori : "For leading you on, like there was ever..."

Sayori : "Anything you could do..."

She stops as we arrive. I'm speechless, once again... All I can think to do is help walk her to somewhere more private.

MC : "I know you won't believe me, because you didn't believe me last time."

MC : "But I love you and would do anything for you."

MC : "You're not a burden. You're not a pain. You're everything that gives light to my life..."

MC : "Let's do something fun tomorrow, alright? I'll take you to see one of the best parks in town, and we could get ice cream!"

I'm desperately trying to lighten the mood.

I can tell she is struggling with some really dark thoughts right now.

Maybe we can just talk it out again for the rest of the day.

MC : "Now, let's head inside where we can talk again. I'll stay the night, OK?"

Sayori looks at me hesitantly.

Sayori : "MC, I love you, but..."

_What's this?_

Sayori : "This is causing me so much pain."

...

Sayori : "There's so many things I'm trying to deal with right now. And I.."

Sayori : "And I can't understand my own feelings very well. So I'm sorry."

Sayori : "But I want things to stay the way they always were between us."

Sayori couldn't be... Breaking up with me, already?

But she was the one who said she wanted to be with me in the first place.

Is this because I made her go see a counselor today? And she already hates me for it?

Sayori : "And I think I just need some alone time to think."

Or does this have something to do with Yuri or Natsuki?

Or maybe she just thinks I'm insane after what I told her? About the literature club?

My thoughts are racing trying to find an answer.

I must have done something wrong, said something wrong to her after all.

Why would she want to be alone now?

She seemed to really enjoy talking to me the other night. She was frank, open, and loving...

I just can't think what it is.

I can't understand Sayori, at all.

All I can think about is this pain in my chest.

_Is this what it feels like to be... Stabbed in the chest?_

I put on my toughest face and try to gather the will to remain strong.

_Her pained screams still echo in my ears._

_Why Sayori?_

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Or misinterpreting what she means.

Through blurred vision and shaky hands I managed to say to her:

MC : "Sayori... Boyfriend, girlfriend, they're just words."

MC : "It doesn't change anything.

MC : "...I'm still your best friend who will support you through anything, ok?"

...

My heart is pounding in my chest, my balance is thrown off.

_Is this a ploy for her to sneak off away from my vision and off herself?_

Do I leave her alone? Do I force her to stay with me?

I have to support her. Not force her to do anything...

I shouldn't have made her go see a counselor.

MC : "And if you need to be alone... I understand. I'm... I'm sorry if I was..."

MC : "Too... clingy."

Sayori hugs me this time, but I'm the one who can barely get my arms to move around her.

What is this feeling?

It's like my insides are burning, turning black- twisting, hardening into charcoal.

My stomach is in my throat and I want to scream but I can't.

I can't because  _I_ have to be the strong one, for Sayori.

But for what?

What is she planning?

* * *

_She wrote a note for every member of her family, individually._

_She wrote one for every friend she ever had._

_She wrote one to herself, and one to God._

_She prayed for some kind of help, some kind of intervention to stop her from what she is about to do._

_There's only one way to escape this pain._

_Don't blame yourself, MC, it isn't your fault._

_Suicide is inevitable for me._

_My only final wish is for you to be happy. So forget about me. And move on with your life._

_Find another girl who will make your heart pound._

_I'll love you forever. Goodbye._

* * *

Sayori releases me from her grasp.

Sayori : "I knew you would understand, MC, because you always know what to do."

Sayori : "That's why I love you. I  _promise_  I'll see you tomorrow.

My brain is running overtime, and I'm so focused that I just sit there in silence for a moment until Sayori begins to walk away, toward her apartment.

Sayori : "Goodnight, MC!"

She beams at me. I manage to put on a fake smile, for her.

Sayori : "I love you."

She goes inside and closes the door behind her.

It's silent and freezing cold outside and I can't move a muscle.

Everything in my body tells me to run over and open it and go inside.

But Sayori told me she wants to be alone.

But she doesn't know what's best for her. She's trying to trick you.

But she saw a counselor today. Maybe she just needs to think about it some more.

Maybe she is overwhelmed.

Maybe I've been harassing her for no reason, and her depression isn't even as bad as I think it is.

Maybe her depression is worse than I think it is.

Maybe I took all the wrong actions.

Maybe she wants to sneak off in the middle of the night and never be heard from again.

Maybe she just processes her feelings better alone.

Maybe she never actually loved me and just said that so I would be happy.

Maybe I  _am_  the crazy one, and everything that happened to me was just one of my schizophrenic episodes and she is terrified of me.

I'm so fucking confused, and scared...

I have no idea what she is feeling, I can't relate at all to her experiences.

Maybe...

I'm doing more harm than good...

_When you love me, it feels like a bat swinging across my head..._

* * *

That night, I couldn't sleep.

I love her so much that it hurts.

I kept finding myself staring out my window, toward Sayori's apartment.

I watched for the lights, to see if she turned them off, and when.

And I turned off anything that makes any noise, just in case I heard something.

For hours, I just stared.

Until when I looked away, I saw an imprint of her window burned into my retina everywhere I looked.

Am I obsessing?

Am I an obsessive boyfriend? Nobody likes a clingy partner.

Well, I guess I'm just a best friend again now.

It's so unsettling... The way that Sayori acts.

I can never tell if she is being genuine. She's constantly shifting back and forth;

From being overly optimistic to being exceedingly gloomy and hopeless..

It makes it so I never know what is going to happen, or what I should do.

It's like I'm just being pulled along for a crazy ride in which the world is trying to tell me loud and clear :

There is little you can do...

And all I know how to do is try to support her... in any way I can.

And that means trusting her when she promises I'll see her tomorrow.

What does she mean by "the way things used to be"?

Like... With her pretending to not be depressed and me treating her like an afterthought?

I should have taken her to a park, or a fair, or something instead of a counselor...

I still didn't take my eyes or mind off of that house until my body forcefully shut down, and I fell asleep crouched by my window.

This time, with no one in my arms, a fractured heart, and uncertain of where Sayori was, or  _how_  she was...

* * *

_Questions - By MC_

_Where-did-we-be-come_

_Where-are-we-going_

_When-did-we-start_

_When-do-we-end_

_What-are-you-doing?_

_What-am-I_

_Who-are-we_

_Why-wouldn't-we_

_-become_


	7. Doki Doki Literature Club!

When I woke up at the morning, I could only think of Sayori.

The same thoughts as last night are circling tirelessly in my head-

I'm exhausted now, and I haven't had a normal night's sleep in probably almost a week.

I try to gather the strength to get up off the floor where I passed out, but what's the point?

I'm telling myself again and again:

Things aren't getting better. Frankly, I don't think I'm helping at all.

I'm more use to these girls when I sit in my room and pursue my vices.

...

This is extremely uncomfortable...

But... I don't want to forget about them. I  _love_ them...

Why does it feel like I'm arguing with  _myself?_

I never had this problem before.

My jumbled up and exhausted brain must be loaning out some of its extra space, because these thoughts are not my own.

Imagine all of your conscious thoughts seemingly popping up out of space without your control.

They feel like they're real, and like they're mine. But they can't be.

_You're useless._

And my normal state of awareness seems to be periodically dulled, or at least my perception of my memories seems dulled.

If that doesn't make sense, good. It doesn't make sense to me either.

It's too useless to describe something as abstract as a feeling anyway.

I have to override this stuff. I feel more like an observer than the one in control...

I began the crawl out of my bed.

Next to me on my nightstand is a scrawled note, and upon further inspection, it's a poem.

I forgot to write a poem!

Wait, no, it's mine.

Now I remember, I wrote it last night.

It's not easy for me to ever write a poem, but this time, I sat down and it just all came out.

I didn't care about form, or impressing anyone, I just wrote down words, and kept that pen moving.

It wasn't like me to forget something like this, either.

I look outside the window, and it's definitely later than I intended to sleep.

I'm becoming a little bit like Sayori, aren't I?

There's nothing I can do but continue to try.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not.

But... There's nothing else for me anymore, anyway.

I'm reaching a dark conclusion that I've been unable to confront for a while.

Now that I'm feeling so powerless, I can't help but bring it to full attention.

There's always been the chance that the unthinkable happens...

I look toward Sayori's house. It looks unchanged.

What would I do if she was dead?

What if Yuri or Natsuki died?

What would I do?

All I know is I would definitely not be able to continue on in this life.

Their story is my story now.

* * *

I felt pretty dispirited today, naturally.

Of course, I couldn't let Sayori notice that.

She wanted things to be more like they used to be.

So I had to try to think positively.

I was too late to walk to school with her, and I decide it's best not to barge into her house.

She's probably at school anyway.

So I finally decide to just go to school, feeling pretty numb overall.

I showed up just in time for lunch, so I went to eat with the club.

Yuri and Natsuki were already there, so I took a seat.

Yuri : "Hello, MC. It's good to see you again." She smiles gently.

Natsuki also looks towards me and gives a "hi".

I get settled and Yuri and Natsuki look at me curiously.

Natsuki : "No Sayori still, huh?"

MC : "..."

MC : "I guess not... I haven't seen her today."

Yuri : "You said yesterday that she would certainly come today..."

Yuri : "I hope she's alright. MC... As her best friend, you know what's going on more than we do."

Yuri : "Is she alright? It's really not like her to not show up for so long."

MC : "Yeah.. .She's... Well..."

MC : "I'll talk to you about it later... She's alright for now."

Yuri seems to want to inquire more, but doesn't because of my terse and hesitant replies.

Natsuki is reading her manga and not paying much attention.

MC : "Anyway... I got my poem, as discussed."

I pull out the strange and messy poem I wrote out of my bag.

Since Natsuki is busy I want to spend time with Yuri today.

I decide to get up and move over to where Yuri is sitting.

MC : "Did you bring one?"

Yuri : "Yes.."

MC : "There's no pressure. I won't judge you. But you can read mine first if you would like."

Yuri agrees and I hand her the poem.

I pretend not to be watching her as her eyes scan the page, up and down, more than once.

I know the deal, though. She's just gathering her thoughts, so I won't interrupt her.

I let the silence continue for what felt like an excessive amount of time.

Finally, Yuri lightly clears her throat and speaks up.

Yuri : "Well, it's pretty good for your first poem..."

Yuri : "The concept is interesting..."

Yuri : "It reminds me most closely of Sayori's poem style."

Yuri : "You two are really close, so that makes sense that you two are alike." She smiles.

Yuri : "It's pretty  _avant-garde,_ which I didn't expect from you..."

Feeling like entertaining her, I decide to ask her :

MC : "What do you think it's about?"

Yuri : "Oh... Um, well.."

Yuri : "A poem can be interpreted in a lot of ways..."

Yuri : "But to me, it's about that feeling of adolescence—when you're really confused."

Yuri : "The feeling of growing up and taking on the world without any clue about what kind of thing life even is, what kind of world we live in."

Yuri : "The feeling that results from the lack of any guidance."

Yuri continues on, clearly getting into it, and so I don't interrupt her.

Yuri : "The dashes make it feel stilted, which corresponds with the feeling of uncertainty and emptiness that comes with it."

Yuri finally pauses.

Yuri : "Is that... Close?" She blushes.

MC : "Yeah... I'm impressed, Yuri! That was actually extremely close."

I don't want to elaborate on this poem. But Yuri's analysis was very interesting.

Yuri : "Um.. Thank you..." She seems to have realized how uncharacteristically outgoing she was behaving, because she becomes all coy again.

MC : "Can I see your poem now?"

Yuri hands me both of the poems.

_Casket_

_The solemn blue flame of my lantern casts its light_

_Through the tangled limbs of ivy_

_Through the light-lattice: a destitute graveyard_

_My final resting place in the talons of disarray._

_The soil lies disturbed, and in the mound I once called home_

_Is an empty and covetous vessel._

_Under the light of the moon I become determined;_

_Carving one more mark into that hollow shell._

_An unending reminder ; a record book of sins._

_As long as I am destined to wander this land_

_This is my curse._

I finish reading and look up to see a uncomfortable-looking Yuri.

Yuri : "Did... you like it?"

MC : "Yeah!"

MC : "Sayori was right when she said you were a very talented writer."

I try to dodge discussion over the obvious subject of this poem, to avoid making her uncomfortable.

MC : "You make good use of imagery and metaphors. It's very well done."

She seems to ease up a little bit.

Yuri : "Thank you.. I wanted to show my true writing style without anything too... extreme."

Yuri : "I wanted to say thank you for starting this too."

Yuri : "It's great writing practice to write a poem in a short period of time."

Yuri : "People can become so caught up in making each word perfect, that they never develop the actual skill to know what word  _ought_  to come next."

Yuri : "That's the kind of thing you develop as you explore your own style..."

Yuri : "... Oh, I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

Yuri : "I'm sorry... If I get like that, you can just interrupt me and I'll stop.."

MC : "No, that's alright! You have a lot of interesting insights."

MC : "You didn't lose my interest."

Yuri : "...Insight? You're a little too nice sometimes, MC..."

Yuri : "In any case... There's something I wanted to give you."

Yuri : "...For no reason in particular... but you did seem interested in literature."

Yuri hands me _The Dance of Sinners._

What is this? It appears to be the prequel to  _The_ _P̡ort̨r͜ai̡t_ _of_ _Mar̵k̕o̕v̢_

Yuri : "And we could..."

Yuri : "Discuss it.. If you wanted." She turns away, hiding her gaze under her bangs bashfully.

I enthusiastically take the book.

MC : "Thank you, Yuri! I'll definitely read this!"

Yuri : "I'm relieved..."

Yuri exhales and then gathers her thoughts.

Yuri : "We could even get started now, if you want..."

I want to read with Yuri, but I don't think there's enough time left before lunch ends.

MC : "It's not that I don't want to, but I haven't read Natsuki's poem yet."

Yuri conceals her look of disappointment, and smiles contently.

Yuri : "Oh, of course. I don't know how I could have forgotten..."

Yuri : "You go ahead. And maybe if there's time afterwards..."

Yuri trails off as I get ready to go over toward Natsuki.

She's alone and looking sour.

Natsuki : "Hm? Oh, I guess I'll read it..."

Natsuki closes her manga and takes the poem.

She gives it a once-over before handing it back to me.

Natsuki : "Well, it's okay, I guess..."

Natsuki : "I don't usually read stuff like that though."

Natsuki : "Yuri probably had more to say about this."

MC : "Yeah, she said it reminded her of Sayori, actually."

Natsuki : "Really? I didn't get that."

MC : "Did you bring a poem like I asked?"

Natsuki : "... Um, no. Of course I didn't! I have better things to do."

MC : "I thought you had some extra poems anyway."

Natsuki : "Well, I just forgot. I had a lot of homework, okay?"

Natsuki : "Besides, you wouldn't like them.."

Natsuki is becoming indignant, and I get the feeling she's not telling me everything.

Natsuki : "The real question is why you have that kind of time."

Natsuki : " **Shouldn't you be helping Sayori?** "

_Woah.._

MC : "Sayori's doing fine. She's getting the help she needs right now."

Natsuki : "Yuri and I are really worried about her, and you're the only one who knows anything."

Natsuki : "And all you want to do is read and write poems!"

MC : "No, that's not true. I just want to hang out with you two, that's all."

Natsuki : "You're such a weirdo. I just don't get it."

MC : "But you had fun hanging out with me still."

MC : "We could do that again sometime."

Natsuki : "Oh..."

Natsuki's attitude seems to shift.

Natsuki : "I can't."

MC : "Why?"

Natsuki : "I.."

I see something welling up in her pink eyes. She lowers her voice.

Natsuki : "Can you keep a secret?"

I nod.

MC : "Of course. What is it?"

Natsuki : "My dad doesn't really let me do anything fun..."

Natsuki : "So that's why I can't really hang out with people outside of school."

Suddenly, I'm remembering that Natsuki's problems may not have just been because of Monika.

MC : "...Oh, um... Are you grounded?"

Natsuki looks on edge now.

Natsuki : "I just can't hang out with you anymore outside of school. Sorry.."

She looks at the floor.

I'm not sure what I can even do for her.

MC : "Well, I can still buy you lunch here sometime."

Natsuki : "Eh...? N-n... Really?"

She looks angry, and rightfully so.

I guess I would be angry if someone offered to buy my lunch too.

She's too proud to accept that.

Natsuki : "No.. That's alright, just..."

Natsuki : "Just being here is enough..."

I suddenly come to my senses.

MC : "Natsuki... Listen, I'm your friend."

MC : "And that means I'm not gonna judge you for anything you want to tell me."

MC : "And why would I judge you for that anyway?"

MC : "I just want to do everything in my power to help you out."

MC : "So just talk to me. What's really going on with your parents?"

MC : "I know there's more than what you're telling me."

Natsuki : "..."

Natsuki : "I do trust you, MC..."

Natsuki looks like she's about to cry, but she wants to suppress it.

Natsuki : "...Why are you doing this to me right now?"

Natsuki puts her face in her elbow and gets up and runs away.

MC : "Wait, Natsuki!"

I run after her, up the stairs and into an empty hallway section of the school.

Natsuki is crouched, crying and looking away.

MC : "I'm sorry, Natsuki.."

MC : "I didn't mean to do that to you in public."

I want to hug her, but as I get close, she turns and pushes me away.

She continues sobbing and I stand there for a moment, unsure of what I could even do.

I eventually just sit on the ground next to her and wait for her crying to subside a little.

MC : "You don't have to say anything."

MC : "Just let me know if you want me to stay..."

With her face buried in her arms, I see her nod her head.

So I continue to sit with her.

After a long enough time, her breathing seemed to return to normal and her crying stopped.

Natsuki reached her arms out around me.

It was an uncharacteristic sign of affection.

Wrapping my arms around her, I can really feel just how tiny she is.

She's kind of bony, too.

Natsuki begins to talk, slowly and seriously, in a manner I've never seen her speak.

Natsuki : "I don't know why you are so nice... But I feel like you're the only person I can tell this to."

Natsuki : "My parents have been divorced most of my life and I live with my dad now."

Natsuki : "He's was always mean to me, but..."

Natsuki : "When I turned 18 he started saying "You're 18, you can support yourself!""

Natsuki : "And last night he told me he's gonna kick me out."

Natsuki : "But I don't have anywhere to go, and I can't afford it anyway.."

Natsuki : "I don't make enough money right now to even eat enough as it is..."

Natsuki : "...So, that's the situation I'm in..."

Natsuki : "There's no one I can ask for help or talk to.. My family doesn't even speak to me."

Natsuki : "They all tell me I'm worthless.."

Natsuki : "Maybe they're right... I can't even feed myself."

MC : "You're not worthless!"

MC : "Don't worry Natsuki... I'm here to support you."

MC : "You don't have to go back there."

MC : "You can stay at my place."

Natsuki's watery eyes meet mine.

Natsuki : "R-really?..."

MC : "Of course."

MC : "For as long as necessary."

Natsuki hugs me one more time, then stands up.

The bell was about to ring.

I hand Natsuki my lunch bag.

MC : "Don't protest. Just take it."

MC : "You can meet me after school, okay?"

Natsuki : "T-Thank you."

She looks me in the eye one more time before turning around.

The bell rings and people come flooding down the hall for their next class.

She disappears into the crowd.

That was definitely the right thing to do, right?

I now realize that Natsuki is definitely still in a bad situation, so I need to do everything I can in my power to help her.

It was weird to see Natsuki opening up like that, even if she resisted it at first.

For now, I turn around and make my way to my next class, contemplating the strange situation I'm in.


	8. New Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █

Natsuki : "Listen, about earlier..."

Natsuki : "You don't have to do that."

Natsuki : "I've always made it on my own..."

Natsuki : "So nothing is really changing anyway."

Natsuki : "And I don't really think it would be... right..."

MC : "Natsuki, please. You're being ridiculous."

MC : "Just let me help you get your feet on the ground, at the very least."

MC : "It's not a big deal."

MC : "...I'm sure S̷ayo̵ri would help too, if you don't want to stay with me."

MC : "But please, you can't live on the streets, even if you think you can."

Natsuki looks angrily toward the floor

I can imagine it's really hard for a girl like her to accept any kind of help.

Natsuki : "You don't know that!"

Natsuki : "Who's to say I haven't done it before anyway?"

Natsuki : "I'm tougher than you think, you know."

MC : "Fine, fine, you're tough."  
MC : "Look, Natsuki, you're not a burden to me or whatever you may be thinking."

MC : "I honestly just wanted to help you."

MC : "And so does Sayori."

MC : "We all really care about you, Natsuki. We can't let you be on the street like this."

Natsuki's eyes well up, and she furrows her eyebrows and turns away.

Natsuki : "..."

Natsuki : "...Fine!"

She gets in the car and slams the door.

* * *

_The bruises weren't the worst part._

_Neither were all the chores._

_The worst part was the constant, crippling fear and anticipation._

_All the joy had been sucked out of life a long time ago, and now it was just about surviving anyway._

_Life was nothing but waiting for the next beating, the next grounding, the next meal taken away._

_The worst part was how her heart began to race when she heard the key turning in the door._

_And how she spent all her time cleaning the house thinking that it would make him proud._

_But she was a terrible daughter._

_And she deserved every punishment._

* * *

"Just don't make it weird, okay?"

Natsuki finishes making her bed out of my couch after being convinced to stay the night.

MC : "Jeez, what do you mean?"

MC : "We won't even be in the same room..."

Once things are set up, and I've shown her around, I head upstairs to put away my school stuff.

I have a little bit of homework, but I toss it to the side.

I lay out some papers on my desk.

My mind wanders a little...

It was really nice sharing poems today, even if Yuri was the only real participant.

The fact that she would do that for me...

Well, it was really sweet.

It's like meeting her again for the first time, but this time it feels like a fresh opportunity.

The same goes for the other girls.

But Yuri's intellectulism and well, her figure...

My heart flutters a bit when I think of her.

The truth is, I've really liked her since I first met her and she was always so welcoming to me too.

And I don't think that her cutting thing is really that bad...

She even gave me a book!

...

I shouldn't really have thoughts like that, though...

I kind of wanted to contact her, but I realized I didn't have her number.

Maybe having someone over would help Natsuki feel a little less awkward.

Exiting my bedroom, I head back on down the stairs.

Natsuki : "Ugh, what is this thing?"

Natsuki is investigating a small wooden carved figure in a small cabinet.

MC : "Could you be nosier?"

The figure is something I've had since I was a kid, a carved man apparently made by my grandfather.

MC : "All you've done so far is judge my decor."

MC : "Sorry if my  _feng shui_ isn't to your liking." I use air quotes as I say.

Natsuki : "It looks like an old man's place."

How could anyone be so ungrateful?

Natsuki's eye catches an old folder of my drawings.

It's brightly decorated on the outside with doodles, some of them of recurring characters that I made, some attempts at drawing manga, and some just rude or vulgar drawings.

Natsuki : "You draw?"

MC : "Well... I used to."

MC : "That stuff is kind of embarassing, it's not really worth looking at."

Natsuki puts it back where she found it.

I ponder on what she said for a moment and realize that she probably asked me that because she has an interest in art.

MC : "So.. You like to draw?"

Natsuki : "...Well, yeah."

Natsuki : "I'm pretty great. I'm surprised you didn't know that already."

MC : "Somehow, it slipped past me..."

Natsuki glares at me.

Natsuki : "Not that you would care, but I won awards at school for my art."

Natsuki : "I would prove it to you, but I..."

Natsuki : "...Don't have any drawings with me."

The mood sort of shifts as she says that last part.

MC : "It's alright. I believe you."

Natsuki : "..."

Natsuki : "You have art supplies, right?"

Natsuki : "Maybe I can... M-m..."

She's choking up a little and struggling to get her words out.

MC : "Natsuki... Are you alright?"

Natsuki : "Y-yes!" She looks at me angrily with tears in her eyes. "Shut up!"

I probably shouldn't force her to say anything she doesn't want to.

MC : "Okay, I'm sorry.. Yeah, I have some stuff for you to draw with."

Natsuki is quiet, looking away.

We're just standing there in the closet now.

How did this turn so awkward already?

Natsuki wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

She suddenly comes forth.

Natsuki : "... I'm sorry for being so immature."

Natsuki : "I don't deserve this kindness..."

I want to hug her... But I'm still not sure if that's outside of her comfort zone.

I can hear the pain in her voice. She's been treated so bad that she thinks she doesn't deserve any kind of love...

MC : "Don't say that..."

MC : "I'm just doing what anyone would do for someone who needs help."

MC : "No... You deserve better help than me, anyway.."

MC : "And you're not a burden, because I value you."

MC : "So does everyone else, because you're wonderful!"

Natsuki looks like she wants to protest at that last comment.

Natsuki : "I'm such an idiot..."

Natsuki : "I could have avoided all of this."

MC : "Natsuki, it's not your fault... You're the victim."

MC : "But all of that stops now."

MC : "So there's no need for that negative talk anymore."

She begins sobbing heavily, and covering her face.

Her hoarse cries sound deep and visceral coming from her...

She comes toward me and embraces me, her head resting in the middle of my chest.

It's quiet for a little bit, with Natsuki sobbing intermittently.

Natsuki : "MC, you're nicer to me than anyone else I've ever met..."

Natsuki looks up into my eyes.

Natsuki : "I... Don't know how to thank you."

For a moment, our eyes meet, and I can see her usual angry expression melt away under her blushing smile.

MC : "U...Um... you don't have to thank me."

I don't know what to do... But my heart is pounding as her grip around me tightens.

Her smile grows as tears flow down her face.

She finally lets go of me and backs away.

She looks away from me, blushing, still smiling and with tears in her eyes.

That moment is gone just as quick as it started.

She's so cute, and small, that I feel even worse for her seeing her like this.

I never would have thought Natsuki could act so... vulnerable.

I guess it must mean she trusts me enough to open up like that.

MC : "Come on, let's go watch TV or something in the living room."

I lead her out to the couch and she takes a seat.

In the meantime I go into the kitchen to grab a few snacks and set them out on the table in the living room.

Turning on the something nice on the TV, we sit and watch and talk idly for a bit.

Natsuki seems to begin to feel better.

It's not quite time for dinner, but I'm thinking about starting it soon.

I'm thinking about night time arrangements, and I realize that Natsuki's still wearing her school uniform.

I think to myself how tough it must be to start over like that..

She probably doesn't have any posessions she can call hers except those in her backpack and the clothes she wears.

It's hard to give her gifts, though, and I don't have any girl's clothing.

An idea crosses me mind, that perhaps I could enlist Sayori's help.

Some of Sayori's clothes might fit her.

I don't know if I should bother her though.

I'm sure she's okay.

I remember the last time I saw her, she said she loved me, and that she would see me today.

Well, now I'm convinced, I should go check on her and tell her about Natsuki staying with me.

It suddenly occurs to me that Sayori might misinterpret the situation of me having Natsuki stay at my house entirely.

Surely I could just explain it to her, right? I mean...

At least in my head... We're still like, a couple... Sort of..

And she would understand.

Sayori's the only person who I can tell anything to.

MC : "Hey Natsuki, I'll be right back."

MC : "Don't go anywhere, alright?" I smile at her.

Natsuki : "Wait, what? You're leaving me here?"

Natsuki : "Already?"

MC : "Just for a moment, alright?"

Natsuki looks a little concerned.

I head for the door, and begin to exit.

She shifts from concern to deep worry that I can hear in her voice.

Natsuki : "Wait.."

Natsuki : "Is it Sayori?"

But I've already closed the door behind me.

I'm sure Sayori will have something that she can give, I've seen her closet.

And she only wears a few of her favorite shirts anyway.

I've seen her wear the same outfit three days in a row.

She probably thinks she can get away with it, but people definitely notice.

They probably just feel bad about telling her.

That's why she needs someone like me, anyway.

I keep her grounded in reality.

The freezing cold shocks me as I exit, even though I should be used to it by now.

It's dry and cold. It's totally silent except for the blowing of the wind, shaking the fences in the neighborhood.

I make my way over to Sayori's place, and knock on her door.

While I wait, I go ahead and send her a text.

MC : "Hey, let me in :)"

I wait for a little bit longer before deciding to just try to doorknob.

To my surprise, it opens once again.

Seems typical of her to forget to lock it, but maybe she actually anticipated me coming over.

In any case, I'm used to barging in, ever since we were kids.

The living room is empty and the lights are mostly off except for a dim nightlight coming from a bedroom.

MC : "Hey Sayori!"

I start heading up the stairs, and all the hair on my body stands on edge as the only sound in the house is my foostep creaking.

I can't believe Sayori didn't answer my text or let me in.

She's probably just sleeping, which would be just like her.

I can't imagine she's doing homework or anything.

In fact, I'm still kind of unsure about her, and how she is doing.

It's just really hard to tell. I never know if what I'm doing is good or not.

She did seem really happy at times when we were together those nights we spent all alone...

But she also used to seem happy all the time, and was really masking something terrible.

I should be a better boyfriend to Sayori, or just a better friend in general.

I make my way to her bedroom, still deep in thought.

Making my way to the door, my heart begins to pound.

I gently open the door.

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	9. Cooking with Dokis!

"Eek!"

Sayori jumps and rushes into her bedroom closet.

Sayori : "I have a weapon!" She brandishes a baseball bat and squeals.

MC : "Sayori! It's me!"

Sayori's expression changes as she calms down.

Sayori : "Oh..."

MC : "Please don't whack me with that!"

She puts down her weapon, laughing, and walks over to where I'm standing in the doorway.

MC : "How are you doing?"

Sayori suddenly wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her bedroom.

She uses all the strength her tiny body can muster to tackle me and push me down onto her bed as she falls on top of me.

Sayori : "Don't scare me like that~"

Sayori : "You knew that I was prepared for any home invader. Eheheh..."

MC : "Well.. That's a risk I was willing to take, I guess."

Is being killed by the girl you love a good or bad way to go? I guess I would be happier to be hit in the head by Sayori than any other option.

I don't know what Sayori was doing just sitting in her room and how she didn't hear me or respond to my text, though.

We're laying on the bed, her on top of me, looking right into each other's faces.

MC : "How was your day? I didn't see you at school."  
Sayori : "I went, but I didn't go to eat lunch with the others."

Sayori : "I may have overslept a bit again... Ehehe~"

She rolls off of me, so that she's laying parallel to me on her bed.

MC : "Yuri and Natsuki are worried about you, you know..."

MC : "And I'm worried about your grades."

MC : "It won't be long before the school gets suspicious of you."

Sayori's face scrunches a bit and she frowns.

Sayori : "I'm sorry, MC... I don't want anyone to worry."

MC : "It's okay, Sayori. They will understand, they're your friends."

MC : "We all just want to support you and see you happy."

MC : " _Really_ happy, though..."

Sayori blushes and looks away.

Sayori : "I know... That's so nice of you all..."

She seems to be pretty cheerful, but I can't tell if it's her facade or not yet.

MC : "...Speaking of friends, you said you would help me... Right?"

MC : "Well I don't know if you heard, but Natsuki's been in a really bad position for a while."

MC : "I was wondering if you had any clothes that fit her."

Sayori : "Ooh! Of course I do! Let's go see~"

My new approach to talking to Sayori was to try to be less direct and in her face...

It probably made her uncomfortable and make her feel obligated to act a certain way when I'm so adamant.

She said she needs space, so I'll just try to extend my support to her from a distance.

I know that helping people feel happy makes Sayori happy, too.

I recall a certain note I read from Yuri about Sayori greatly helping her feel better...

She begins rummaging in her closet for some clothes as I watch.

After grabbing some clothes in the closet, she bends down to look into some containers on the floor.

Her butt is in the air, shaking back and forth as she digs into the clothing boxes.

Sayori : "This is cute, isn't it?"

She holds out a small outfit she already picked out, with a cute pink collared with ruffled edges on the sleeves and collars, and a polka-dot skirt.

MC : "Mm... Yeah."

I don't really know anything about fashion...

Sayori : "I think I can part with it..."

She tosses the clothes into an empty box for easy transport.

MC : "That all?"

Sayori : "For now..."

Sayori : "Let's go see her, okay?"

I'm glad that Sayori seems to be doing okay enough to want to socialize and see Natsuki.

I agree and I pick up the clothing box as we head outside and back to my place.

When we arrive, Natsuki is still watching TV and she jumps to her feet at the sight of Sayori.

Natsuki : "Sayori! You had us worried sick!"

Natsuki runs to hug her and Sayori drops the box of clothes to the floor.

Sayori : "Oh... I didn't want anyone to worry..."

Sayori : "I'm so sorry, Natsuki.."

Natsuki releases Sayori from her hug and looks towards the dropped box of clothes.

Natsuki : "What's..?"

Sayori : "Oh, well, MC wanted you to have some comfortable clothes.."

MC : "But Sayori was the one who picked them all out..."

Natsuki swallows her pride.

Natsuki : "Thank you, Sayori... and MC."

Natsuki : "I wasn't looking forward to sleeping with this outfit on.."

Natsuki takes the box to the table and rummages through it, and Sayori follows and sits on the couch.

MC : "Sayori, why don't you stay for dinner?"

Sayori agrees, and I begin chopping vegetables while the girls chat about clothes and stuff.

I'm really happy that things are going so well.

Nothing makes me happier than to see them happy like this.

I toss the veggies onto a pan and begin to sauté them.

The sounds and sweet smells of sizzling vegetables and spices fills the air.

The voices of the girls are drowned out by the sounds in the kitchen.

Suddenly, I turn around to a pink haired girl a foot in front of my face.

Sayori : "You don't have to do all this alone, let me help out!"

Sayori is kind of a clutz... I'm not sure she is a great cook.

She'll probably mess everything up, but...

MC : "Sure, go on right ahead."

Natsuki appears behind me as well as I turn.

Natsuki : "I know how to cook. You can let me take it from here!"

Suddenly, my relatively small kitchen is full of incredibly cute girls.

There isn't much room for all of us, and they're practically bouncing off the walls.

Cabinet doors swining open, stuff being cooked on all my burners...

How many people does it take to make rice?...

Well I guess Natsuki wasn't kidding, because before long, we were cooking up something more like a full course meal.

Meat, veggies, rice, and I wasn't getting pretty hungry.

Sayori is drifting from task to task, humming to herself and taking things at her own slow pace.

Natsuki : "Look, you don't chop it like that."

Natsuki : "Let me show you how."

Natsuki grabs Sayori's knife and demonstrates a fluid and dexterous chopping motion.

Natsuki : "See? It's much easier to cut like this."

Sayori : "Natsuki, you shouldn't snatch things..."

Sayori : "Anyway, that's what I was doing."

Sayori : "Kind of.."

Sayori : "There's no rush, okay?"

Natsuki : "Yeah, there is. We have to finish cooking these before the rice is finished."

Sayori tries to chop the way Natsuki showed her, but goes back to her old way within a few attempts.

MC : "It's fine, we have plenty of time, because you two are speeding things up quite a bit."

Sayori moves over to the stovetop and stirs some vegetables.

Sayori : "Ouch!"

She pulls away from the pan quickly and puts her finger in her mouth.

MC : "Did you burn yourself?"

She nods.

Natsuki is snickering to herself.

This is what I should have expected...

Natsuki : "We're almost done anyway, you can just leave it to me now."

Sayori leaves the kitchen with her finger still in her mouth, with an embarassed look.

Sayori : "I'm glad we have Natsuki to help today.."

Sayori : "I don't think I'm a very great cook, ehehe.."

MC : "Well, you'll get better..."

Sayori and I chat while Natsuki finishes up dinner.

Natsuki : "Ta-daa!"

She proudly brings out the meal for everyone.

Natsuki : "Told you I was a professional cook!"

MC : "No one ever doubted you, Natsuki."

Sayori : "It looks delicious!"

We all grab bowls and sit on the floor to eat, watching some TV and talking idly.

Sayori and Natsuki chow down, both of them eating like their life depends on it.

I'm used to seeing Sayori chow down like this, though. I can't blame Natsuki for eating like she does. I'm sure she'll slow down as she realizes there is no shortage of food anymore.

I laugh and joke for hours after dinner with them. I bring out tea and we talk until the sun goes down.

I'm beaming by the end of the night. Seeing those two socializing cheerfully made me incredibly happy too.

Natsuki needs all the love and support that I know Sayori can give her.

It's becoming clear by how Sayori talks to Natsuki that she needs a friend, too.

Sayori is chatting at a rapid speed, all about things she never talks about with me.

Natsuki is laughing, her mood seems to have turned around completely since Sayori showed up.

I knew that she would help me to keep everyone happy.

I just hope that she is happy, herself.

Usually it makes her happy to see others happy, so I hope that is enough.

Sayori : "Great job on the dinner, guys~"

Sayori : "I feel like I could fall asleep right here and now!"

Sayori flattens herself out on the couch, stretching her back and patting her stomach.

Natsuki : "Well, don't, because that's where I'm sleeping..."

MC : "You can stay, Sayori." I smile big at her.

MC : "...If you want." My face feels all hot and I'm pretty sure I'm blushing thinking about staying with Sayori over the night again...

Sayori : "That's okay... My apartment is right next door."

Sayori : "MC, will you walk me there?~"

Sayori : "I'm getting so sleepy..."

MC : "Of course.. Let's go."

Sayori and I stand up while Natsuki is still invested in TV.

MC : "Be right back, Natsuki!"

Natsuki jumps up and hugs Sayori again.

Natsuki : "Come to lunch tomorrow!"

MC : "Yeah, we need you to help keep everyone sane.."

I guess it's because of her own depression and experience with people trying to comfort her, but Sayori always knows what to say to someone who's in a fit.

It's actually kind of ironic that she dishes out so much advice and help while simultaneously being in such a dark place herself...

But tonight, she seemed to be able to put all that aside and just have a good time, and for that I am super grateful.

It's little moments with your best friends like this that make it worth getting up in the morning...

And I hope Sayori feels the same way.

Sayori and I make our way outside and towards her apartment.

Sayori : "That was so much fun, MC. I think we need to get Yuri to come next time, too!"

MC : "I'm not sure she'd socialize as much as you two, but it definitely doesn't feel right to not include her."

MC : "Besides, Yuri deserves affection and attention just as much as everyone else."

Sayori : "Make sure you talk to her tomorrow, MC."

Sayori : "I know you can convince her, because she likes you especially~"

MC : "Hmm?"

MC : "Where did that come from? Did you speak with her recently?"

Sayori : "There goes my blabbering mouth again, saying too much.."

Sayori : "It's just that you're good at talking to people, so I'm sure it would be good for you to invite her first."

Sayori's acting a bit strange, but I ignore it for now.

MC : "You say she likes me, but... Well, I don't want to lead her on."

MC : "Especially when..."

MC : "Well, there's only one girl for me.."

I look her in the eyes.

We're standing outside her apartment door, and Sayori's face turns red either from the cold or from what I just said.

Sayori : "MC, don't say that..."

Sayori : "What if you find someone who makes you happier?"

MC : "That won't happen."

I give her a big smile.

MC : "Besides, no one else could tolerate me like you do anyway..."

MC : "We're already perfect for each other.."

Sayori : "Even I can barely tolerate you...~" She giggles. I can't help but laugh, as well.

To my surprise, Sayori closes her eyes and leans towards me.

She gets close enough that I can feel her body heat, and she pushes her lips into mine.

She's leaning over so far, that she nearly tips into me, so I brace myself against the door.

For a moment, we hold there, kissing in the freezing winter night.

She releases and backs away, with a flustered and embarassed look over her grin.

MC : "Sayori..."

MC : "..."

MC : "I wish I could stay the night with you..."

I could get lost in her blue eyes for hours...

Sayori : "Ehehe... Don't say things like that..."

She pauses. I'm sniffling from the cold.

Sayori : "I do too..."

Sayori : "You have to stay with Natsuki tonight, though. That's the right thing to do."

I'm impressed by Sayori's resolve to always do the right thing, even if she doesn't want to.

Sayori : "...You can come over any other night. Ehehe~"

I'm blushing hard now, trying to hide my excitement and embarassment that my giant grin and pounding heart betrays.

We stand there, not really feeling the cold, or feeling anything but the electricity in the air as we are looking into each other's eyes.

MC : "Sayori, I'm so glad I got to see you some today."

MC : "Having you and Natsuki over made this one of the best days ever."

I wrap my arms around her and squeeze as hard as I can.

I feel her small body and waistline that gives me the urge to hold onto her even tighter.

Sayori : "Uurp!"

Sayori : "Too tight!"

MC : "But I don't want to let you go..."

MC : "I love you too much."

MC : "But... I understand that you need your alone time, too."

I slowly pull my arms away from her.

MC : "I'm not going anywhere, though."

MC : "You're stuck with me..."

Sayori : "Ehehe... I'm sorry that I pushed you away the other day."

Sayori : "But... It's really hard, sometimes..."

She stops for a moment, as if catching herself from saying something.

Sayori : "Just don't worry about me, OK?"

MC : "You can't stop me from doing that..." I laugh.

MC : "There's no need to hide anything from me, Sayori..."

MC : "I'm here for you, every step of the way."

MC : "But if you don't want to talk about it right now, I understand."

MC : "Like you said... I can come over any time."

MC : "And all that matters to me right now is that you seem to be happy today."

MC : "Please tell me the truth... Are you doing better today?"

Sayori : "..."

Sayori : "Yeah, I did have a good day.."

Sayori : "Thanks to you, MC."

I sigh a deep sigh of relief. I get the feeling she's telling the truth.

MC : "That's... That makes me so happy..." I can feel tears welling up in my eyes.

MC : "We can take it one day at a time, Sayori. That's how change starts."

Sayori : "..."

Sayori : "MC..."

Sayori : "Can I ask your honest opinion?"

MC : "Of course, Sayori... You don't even need to ask that."

MC : "What is it?"

Sayori : "Do you think I should get the doctor's medication?"

...

Last time I saw her, I asked Sayori to visit a counselor who told Sayori to try antidepressants.

She told me that she needed some alone time to think for a while, which I just wrongly assumed was her breaking up with me...

I don't know much about the medicine, it's side effects, or the risks and benefits...

I really don't feel qualified answering the question.

But Sayori trusts me more than that counselor... And she's asking for  _my_ help and I can't let her down with hesitation and an "I don't know..."

I think about it for a brief moment as she awaits my answer.

MC : "Well... There's no need to rush it... If you're feeling better today, maybe that's a sign you don't really need it."

MC : "At the same time, some of the things you've told me do concern me..."

* * *

_Sayori : "You're just going to make me say it, aren't you?"_

_Sayori : "It doesn't matter how much people tell me I'm worth something."_

_Sayori : "You never acted like this before, and it hurts me."_

_Sayori : "It hurts me that you'd totally change yourself like this, like everything revolves around me being happy."_

_Sayori : "But you don't get it..."_

_Sayori : "You don't get that I'm never happy."_

_Sayori : "And so when you started acting so nice to me..."_

_Sayori : "It felt good because I love you. But it felt horrible because I know that nothing you do will ever help."_

_Sayori : "That all I can do is drain people of their efforts."_

_Sayori : "And when you say things like that I'm the light in your life.."_

_Sayori : "It just makes me scared because I feel like I'm responsible for two people's sadness now."_

_Sayori : "That's why I act happy even when I'm not... because it makes you happy."_

_Sayori : "That's why I want things to be back like they used to be between us."_

* * *

I can hear Sayori's voice in my head, telling me that there is no joy in her life...

That the only reason to get up in the morning is to avoid people like me...

That all I am doing is making her feel responsible...

MC : "So I think you should give it a try."

MC : "Would you please give it a try... for me?"

Sayori nods.

Sayori : "I wanted to do it, too."

Sayori : "I just wanted to hear it from you."

Sayori : "I knew that you would say that... ehehe"

She puts her fingers together in a cute little triangle shape, one of her most adorable habits.

MC : "Tomorrow, I can come with you to the doctor, if you want."

Sayori : "We'll see..."

We stood there for just a bit longer, with me kicking the gravel at my feet and her staring away into the distance in silence.

Sayori : "I better get some sleep.."

MC : "Yeah, me too."

Sayori : "I love you, MC."

MC : "I love you more."

Sayori : "It's not a competition... But if it were, I'd definitely win."

Sayori : "Because I love you more, end of story!"

MC : "Hahaha!"

When the banter is finished, Sayori backs away and finally closes her door after about 10 more "goodnight"s and "love you"s.

MC : "Text me!"

MC : "Lock your door!"

As she locks her door behind her I realize that I know nobody as well as I know Sayori, and vice versa.

That joy that she had today felt real to me...

I know that she has that inside of her, even if it's really hard for her to bring it out.

It was a different kind of happy than her typical faux-happy attitude.

She was still bubbly and cute but it felt more like her being herself and speaking her mind.

I hope I am right about that.

If it's true that she has a chemical imbalance in her head, than I want to do everything we can to help make that right.

That means putting my trust into the people who are qualified to treat depression...

I hope that my love and support is making it clear to Sayori that she is not bringing me down, and that I am not going anywhere.

The way she acted and her willingness to give treatment gives me a new positive outlook...

The way she forcefully kissed me makes my heart soar when I think about it again.

For just a moment, as I stood there in the cold, I imagined my future with her.

Sayori and I, living together...

It made my heart flutter.

* * *

I made my way back to my apartment.

Natsuki was lying down on the couch, watching the TV and sipping on her drink.

She's taken the opportunity to get changed, and she's dressed in Sayori's pink pyjamas which are just a little baggy on her.

It's weird to think that she's even tinier than Sayori.

Her hair is untied, and hanging messily almost down to her shoulders, which makes her look even cuter to me.

Natsuki : "That took a while, huh?" She grins at me.

MC : "Yeah, well.. We had a long conversation."

Natsuki looks away from me and turns her attention back to the TV.

It occurs to me that Natsuki could have probably seen that whole exchange, including our kissing, through my living room window.

I sit down next to her.

MC : "I might head to bed soon, too."

Natsuki : "Mmm... I'm kinda tired, too."

Natsuki : "I usually read before bed... Do you have any manga?"

I do, but they are nothing like her girly ones...

MC : "I'm not sure you would like them... But yeah. I'll go get them."

I head upstairs and return before long with a box of my manga collection.

MC : "Go nuts. I don't read it very often anymore anyway."

Natsuki seems to be avoiding my eyes.

Natsuki : "Okay, thanks..."

...

Natsuki : "...That's all."

MC : "Hmm? Oh, ok.."

I take the hint and get up off the couch and leave her to her rest.

MC : "But hey, Natsuki?..."

MC : "If you need anything at all, don't be afraid to wake me up or let me know."

She smiles a weak, sad smile, as if trying to conceal her real emotions.

Natsuki : "Thank you again, MC... I don't know how to repay you."

She blushes a bit..

Natsuki : "..Umm... Goodnight!"

I smile at her.

MC : "Goodnight..."

I head on upstairs, turning off some lights and dimming my nightlight for her.

I make my way up to my bedroom and close the door.

* * *

Note from author: thank you everyone who reads, writes reviews, gives kudos, or anything. Your support makes me want to write even more and it means a lot to me. Sorry about the cliffhanger last chapter :)


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